NoMoreTomorrows

Surviving is not Living

No More Hiding

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A month ago I went to the casting call for the Biggest Loser here  in Denver.  We were told that if we were chosen for the next round we would receive a phone call  by 9 that evening. I didn’t get the call.

But had I gotten the call, and had I made it on the show, the numbers on  the scale that I keep quiet and don’t reveal  to anyone for  fear of judgement and embarassment would have been  made public.  The entire nation (and parts of other countries) would have known exactly what my weight was each week.  That takes courage to stand on a scale and let a nation know you weigh 200….300…400…or OMG…500 pounds, to let a nation know that somewhere in life you gave up and let food win, that you checked out, that no matter how much you pretend to  be happy, it is blatantly obvious that you do not love yourself and you have proven that by completely destroying your body.

That takes a lot  of courage. Had I gotten on the show, I would have had to show that courage. But from that courage comes accountability. Most contestants on the show have kept off the weight. The success of the contestants on that show is huge. But a few have gained their weight back. And they talk about the embarrassment, wanting to hide away so that people can’t see they failed,  that they went back to  their old ways. The truth  is that hiding away doesn’t solve anything.  Hiding just makes it easier to destroy yourself. Showing yourself, your struggles, your slip ups, and asking for help, that’s what puts you back in the driver’s seat of your life and gets you back on  the journey to being healthy, and to being the best version of yourself you can be.

I was ready to sign up to do this anyway. I didn’t make it on the show, so I’m gonna have to do it here. Next season casting isn’t an option because I’m not gonna be this way next season. It’s my turn to save my life. And it starts with having the courage to open up and be honest.

I stepped on the scale yesterday because I hadn’t since November and I wanted to see if my fears were reality, that I had put on weight, that none of my jeans fit me anymore because I gained more than just a couple pounds.  And I was right.

Deep Breath…

320.

(Okay I seriously just sat here without moving for about 5 minutes)

Yes, that’s the number on the scale. It’s 40 pounds more than the point 10 months ago where I  swore I had reached my biggest. Never in my life had I been more miserable in any job I’ve ever had and  that misery clung to my body, that’s where it showed up. That job may be why I put on an extra 40 pounds, but it’s not why I  got fat in the first place.

(Cringe… that word fat is so ugly. We avoid that word. We want to be nice and pleasant and PC, but what good is that doing, how are we helping people by being nice??)

I gave up on myself. I was happy on the outside but somewhere on the inside at some point in my life I  decided I wasn’t worth being healthy.  That’s how I live everyday, like I’m not worth helping, because everyday I make horrible decisions about what I’m putting in my body.I sit on the couch instead of going for walks. I watch the Biggest  Loser  while I eat oreos. I’m mindlessly destroying myself.

And I’m sick of it. I am so sick, literally and figuritively. I  don’t wanna  do it anymore. I want to live.

So that’s what I’m  going to  do. There’s no big secret for getting healthy. Don’t eat  crap and move your ass. It’s really that simple. So that’s what I’m going to do. And I’m asking the people who love me to stop placating me, stop enabling me, stop being nice. If I  were killing myself with heroine you wouldn’t stand by and watch me, you’d step in. Truth is I’m killing myself with food, and there’s no reason for it. I have so much I want to accomplish in my life, and I haven’t even scratched the surface yet. I have so much further to go.

I’m  the only one that can change it, but I need the people I  love to stop making it okay for me to keep doing what I’m doing. I don’t want you coming to my funeral in a couple years because  I didn’t get control of this and had a heart attack or developed diabetes that kills me. And that  is the reality of the situation if I don’t get control  of this NOW. I’m done waiting until tomorrow.  I’m too important to wait anymore.

And that’s  just how it is.

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Written by No More Tomorrows

April 20, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Posted in Health, Weight Loss

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