Surviving is not Living


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Friday I put on a pair of jeans that I hadn’t been able to pull over my rump in about 3 months.  Do you have any idea how good that feels? I was so happy all day long. I had made a change, and not only was I seeing the 12 pound weight loss on the scale, but I was now seeing it in the way I was fitting back into my clothing again.

But I don’t allow myself to feel happy for very long before I sabotage myself. For lunch I had a super fatty sandwich from quiznos. I just tried to look up the calories on it, but due to it being a new sandwich, it wasn’t listed. I wouldn’t be surprised if it came close to 1000. Also, I felt like crap the rest of the night. Saturday I ate myself silly, and yesterday when going to get a newspaper, I had to really really fight the urge to buy junk food. I fought it and won, which I’m happy for, but it wasn’t easy.

Also, I’m dating this wonderful person who has taught me so much and built me up so much, and I do things to sabotage it.

So my question is this, what do I have against my own happiness?

Luckily, the crappy eating this weekend (not all crappy, but WAAAAY overeating) didn’t screw me and mixed with the little bit of cardio did last night I still managed to pull of a 1 pound loss this week.

I guess maybe as the scale crawls closer to the 270-280 range I get scared. That’s the place I lived for nearly a decade. Pushing past that point is going to be the real challenge. Right now I’m just getting back to what was normal for me. But I want a new normal, and I don’t want to take the easy route anymore. And I do deserve to be happy. Whatever lives in my subconscious that tells me I don’t deserve it, needs to be defeated. I have 2 pairs of jeans in a size smaller that are calling my name, and 2 more in a size below that. So I’m gonna listen to their sweet whispers instead of the bitter ramblings of whatever this is telling me I can’t be happy.

No more sabotage.


Written by No More Tomorrows

May 23, 2011 at 9:48 am

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