NoMoreTomorrows

Surviving is not Living

Progress… and Pain

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04.04 – 320

04.11 – 318

04.18 – 317

04.25 – 320

05.02 – 315

05.09 – 312

05.16 – 308

05.23 – 306

05.30 – 305

06.06 – 305

That’s where I am so far on the measurables. I need to get a measuring tape and check inches.

On the un-measurables, I feel amazing. Truly, for the first time in my life I feel a change in my health and my body. I feel better at 305 pounds, making healthy choices and being active, than I did at 270 being sedentary and eating crap.  When I started, this was about the weight, and while yes I fully believe that weight matters, in the last couple days I’ve stopped worrying about the number as much. I do consistently want to see a change on the scale, because I believe I need to see a change on the scale for my health, but I am so in love with the way my body feels, that I know I’m doing it right this time. The hurry to drop the weight has mostly subsided. It’s now about making long term choices that will last and that will be passed on to my children so that they never ever have to fight the fat demons I’ve fought. My battle is for me, but it’s also for them.

So that’s the progress. The pain I speak of is not in relation to my new spurt in activity, it’s the pain of being fat.

It’s why I sit and watch The Biggest Loser or the new show Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition, or other shows, or books, or blogs, and I cry my eyes out. I get what they’re saying. I identify so well with their struggles and how truly painful it is to be fat.

It’s painful physically and that’s part of the reason people give up, because some days it just hurts so much to move, even just to stand and make dinner, or walk my dog down the stairs so she can potty.  The weight on my knees, the weight that puts pressure on my back, the chubrub. It hurts.

However moreso than the physical pain is the emotional pain, the years of pain packed onto each other just like the layers of fat packed onto my body. I was a fat child, teenager, young adult. I’ve never known what it was like to share clothes with my friends, or even be able to go clothes shopping in the same place. I was the slowest in sports. I auditioned for roles in shows I desperately wanted but would never get, so I was type cast as old ladies, moms, or a character that was fat. I never got to play the part of the woman who got the guy in any show.  I remember watching certain shows or movies when I was younger, and standing in front of my television mimicking the movements, the voices, the mannerisms of characters on the screen. I sang Cool Rider with Michelle Pfeifer, Repeated Rizzo’s lines in Grease, danced around with Footloose, and sang along with Ariel imagining one day they would put The Little Mermaid on stage. Of course this was always in my room, away from others’ eyes, and of course I always knew it’d never happen. My only hope of a leading role would be Tracy Turnblad.

I was pretty lucky in some ways, because I tended to get along with everyone I wasn’t made fun of in school a lot. Yes of course I got called names just like anybody in school that was somehow different, but school life was never torturous for me. I have heard stories, and they devastate me and I remember to count my blessings. I think overrall most kids liked me. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. 🙂 But even if I wasn’t tortured by kids, I still hurt because I was fat. Boys tended to see me as one of the guys, not a girl they wanted to ask out. Prom dresses were hard to come by. As I got older I became less social, less outgoing, and stayed home a lot more. I started to fear what others might be thinking of me, I felt I couldn’t hide inside myself enough or cover up myself enough. I retreated inside myself, and the more I hurt, the more I ate. It’s a vicious cycle.

I got tired of hurting, and that’s what has made the difference. I fell in love with myself. I realized all the potential I had and how much the world was missing out on me because I was hiding. It’s still very emotional because I’m still working through it all. I’m not the size I want to be yet, I’m not as healthy as I want to be yet, I haven’t learned all there is to learn about clean food yet.

Yet.

But, I do have a huge step in the right direction, I’ve started the journey. I have an amazing man that doesn’t think of me as one of the guys and is interested and attracted to me even at 300+ pounds, a man I haven’t settled for, a man who is everything I could have wished for, and by the way, is freakin hot. I have a family and friends who stand by me and support me no matter what, who have stood by me through tragedy, who have loved me when I didn’t love myself, and who have reminded me of what I have to offer the world.

I have a million reasons to get and stay healthy. I am blessed in so many many ways.

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Written by No More Tomorrows

June 8, 2011 at 1:09 pm

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