NoMoreTomorrows

Surviving is not Living

The Pic that Launched a Thousand Regrets

with 11 comments

 

This is the picture that did me in.  It was a slap in the face. It was reality kicking my ass.

I knew I was fat. I’ve never been in denial about being fat, but maybe I was in denial about just how bad it was. I saw a big girl in the mirror, I knew my clothes didn’t fit as they should, I felt that I didn’t have a thin, tight body. But I didn’t really know.  I think I just kept accepting what people told me.

You carry it well. You’re maybe, what, 180? (When I was 270) You don’t look 300. Muscle weighs more than fat.

Maybe it was true. Maybe I do carry it well. Maybe I didn’t look the size I actually was. But it doesn’t matter. People helped feed my denial. I listened. So I didn’t think about it much. I knew I needed to do something, eventually, when I was ready, and could give up cake, and Taco Bell, and candy. Someday. Tomorrow. Monday. January 1. By summer. When I can afford to go to the gym.

People said nice things. I dated hot guys. I was successful at work. Friends liked hanging out with me. I got compliments almost daily on my hair, or clothes, or makeup, etc. I liked myself, at least mostly. I was confident in myself, mostly. I liked my life, mostly.

But then I saw this picture. And I got winded walking up 8 stairs (not 8 flights, 8 individual steps). And I laid in bed worrying that I would quit breathing in the night.

And that was my reality check.

What the hell was I doing to myself?

It took me a couple months and then I dove in. My momentum was awesome. I was so proud of myself.

But I’ve fallen off.

This isn’t a cry for help so much as it is an admission. Good and bad I will continue to be honest here, because lying to myself or lying to the world isn’t going to get me anywhere but 320+ pounds and dead. So I fell off for awhile. My eating has sucked. My working out has… well, it hasn’t, at all, in 2 weeks. So I had a slump.

My bad.

Time to come out of it and get the momentum going.

17 days until Do Life.

And my guy is having a cancer screening done tomorrow. It’s scary. He’s scared. I’m scared. Prayers, thoughts, positive vibes, whatever you do, it would all be welcome and appreciated.

 

 

 

 

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Written by No More Tomorrows

June 30, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Posted in Fear, Health, Weight Loss

11 Responses

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  1. I love this post! I really really need to get motivated with alot of things in my life! I honestly think you are my motivator! It’s hard to stick with something but I’m sure you can do! Prayers to you and your boyfriend, that sounds like some scary stuff! Hope to meet him next month! Can’t wait to see you!!!!!!!!!

    Crystal Heim

    June 30, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    • A lot of people have been my motivators at various times. But something I have realized is that the only time it sticks with me, is when I find myself finding the motivation within me, to make the decision and to do it. I have been grateful for those who I can learn from and follow on this journey. However, the thing that I have learned from 5 years of watching The Biggest Loser, being inspired, crying my eyes out, and eating oreos while I watched them sweat and change their lives, is that nothing can make me do it but me. If I am anybody’s source of inspiration or motivation, of course I would be flattered and honored that my life inspired another’s. But my hope for everyone is that we each take the lesson someone else has passed to us, apply it to our lives, and then pass it on to someone else. Thanks for the prayers Crystal. I’m not sure if he’ll be coming with me, but I’ll definitely be there!

      No More Tomorrows

      July 1, 2011 at 8:04 am

  2. It’s important at these moments to realize that you are not that picture and that you are not even your body. Your body is a facet of your existence. Being obese means that a part of your being isn’t healthy. It doesn’t mean you’re bad, lazy, or any other negative thing we sometimes tell ourselves. It just means that something isn’t in balance. Work to reach that balance through positivity and joy. This is how you lose weight and this is how you keep it off.

    Good luck beautiful. xo

    Jasmine, EMW

    June 30, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    • Thank you for the encouragement Jasmine. You’re right. My biggest frustration with the picture is seeing the abuse I’ve put my body through and working through figuring out why I hated myself so much that I let that happen? And what needs fixed internally so that I can live my life in freedom and be healthy.

      No More Tomorrows

      July 1, 2011 at 8:07 am

  3. You CAN do it Carrie!

    elise28

    June 30, 2011 at 8:22 pm

  4. You can do it Carrie! The first step in making a permanent change is recognizing you’re going to start & setting the goal to change — you’re already there. I’m so excited that you’re going to Do Life, I went last weekend & it was SO inspiring!

    • It truly is inspiring. I am beyond excited. I have to see those things to remind me that it’s possible, that a person can be overweight, out of shape, and then go on to change their life and run marathons and iron mans. If one person can do it, anybody can, it just takes a LOT of work, and that’s the hardest part, is sticking with it and believing that all of the hard work is going to pay off in the end. I’m not at the place in my fitness journey that I wanted to be when Do Life gets here, so I’ll be walking more than I wanted to. But I’m so excited to participate in something so amazing.

      No More Tomorrows

      July 7, 2011 at 8:32 am

  5. I have a picture like that. And until today, I was terrified to post it. Because I didn’t want it to be true. I didn’t want that to be me.

    And like Jasmine said, it’s not me. It’s also not you. It’s a part of the journey. And you will get there. We both will. There are always setbacks. And sometimes recognizing those setbacks is the hardest part.

    Just don’t let yourself think you can’t. Because you can. I’m looking forward to reading more of your journey!

    knightla

    July 6, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    • It really is scary to post. For YEARS, the pictures I take of myself and post are neck up, because I can get the angle right to make my face not so chunky so I can hide how truly big I’ve gotten. But hiding never helped anybody. Facing it and being honest with myself is the only thing that’s going to keep me on the road to changing my life.

      No More Tomorrows

      July 7, 2011 at 8:34 am

  6. […]   This is the picture that did me in.  It was a slap in the face. It was reality kicking my ass. I knew I was fat. I’ve never been in denial about being fat, but maybe I was in denial about just how bad it was. I saw a big girl in the mirror, I knew my clothes didn’t fit as they should, I felt that I didn’t have a thin, tight body. But I didn’t really know.  I think I just kept accepting what people told me. You carry it well. You’re maybe, … Read More […]


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