Surviving is not Living

Conquering Fear

with one comment

I know what it is to be afraid.  Fear has been an anchor in my life for as long as I can remember.

The high dive at the local swimming pool. The bumps and creaks in the night. Being outdoors and worrying about stings and bites and poisonous plants. Revealing a crush to a boy. Leaving the country for the first time. Getting on a plane for the first time.

As I got older, life happened and I saw fear reveal itself so much stronger and bigger than it had before.

The loss of my son that made me afraid to ever try being a mother again.

I remember before it happened to me, I thought that was the worst thing that could ever happen to someone, to be a parent and lose a child. I was right.

And a close second to that fear, came the one of losing your partner, a significant other in your life. I heard stories of young couples losing their spouse, or their girl/boy friend. A couple years back, two different couples I know of said goodbye to their partners near Christmas. Both very young and relatively new in their marriages. I had never had a serious relationship to where that fear was as close to my heart as it could be, but I knew that the loss must be a devastating one.

I posted before about Jennie losing her husband suddenly. As I am now in the midst of the most amazing relationship, that fear has hit me hard for the first time. I found her blog and her story around the same time we were waiting on results from my man’s biopsy.  I sat in fear every day, waiting for the results, and pissed that after all this time and finally discovering this amazing man, that he might be taken away from me. I was so afraid.  More afraid of losing him to cancer than I had been to losing him because I wasn’t good enough.

Thankfully there was no cancer.

I look at Jennie’s blog nearly every day. It would be easy to avoid it so that I didn’t have the thoughts in my head about losing my love.  And I know many women who try to avoid stories of miscarriage and stillbirth so as to not have those thoughts in their head while they’re pregnant. I know how I felt after losing my son, like I was the dark shadow in the corner reminding them what could happen. I felt contagious. Shame.

It’s easy to be afraid. Have you watched television lately? Everything seems to be telling us to be afraid.

But I just don’t want to live in fear of “what if” anymore.

I can’t control whether I’m ever going to lose a child again. I can’t control if other loved ones are going to die. I can’t make the world into the perfect world I’d like to live in.

So instead, I choose to live life well. I choose to make the most of the people I have in my life, while I have them. I choose to love instead of hate, and be filled with joy and optimism instead of negativity. I choose to make decisions that will make my life amazing, instead of worrying what might happen if I take a risk.

I will pour myself into my relationships, with my man, my friends, my family. I will go after projects that I don’t think I’m good enough for. I will write and blog consistently, knowing some will be good and some won’t. I will run. I will chase health and life. I will talk to strangers.

I will live. Without Fear. Because any other way just isn’t good enough.



Written by No More Tomorrows

September 26, 2011 at 11:01 am

Posted in Fear, Inspiration, Writing

One Response

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  1. love the one with the guy scaling the mountain…so true…you’ll get there!


    September 29, 2011 at 3:06 am

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