Surviving is not Living

If I eat a cookie in the woods and no one is around, do I still get fat?

with 5 comments

In hiding. In secret. Secret stashes. Waiting to be alone. Preoccupied with the thoughts of wanting it. Throwing away the evidence. Nobody will know. It doesn’t count if nobody sees. Waiting for the next hit. The next high. I need it. Needing a shot of it. More. Never enough. Never satisfied. And then the regret. Never again.

Until the next time.

And the cycle continues.

I am not an alcoholic. I am not into heroine or meth, crack or pills.

But I love food.

I think love is the wrong word. When I say I love my family, my son, my boyfriend, I mean that I appreciate that, that I have a respect for them, a deep emotion to take care of them.

To love food is to appreciate it, real food, the stuff that nourishes and sustains your body. The stuff that you eat and it makes you feel good, strong, healthy.

I have an obsession with eating. That’s what it is.

For my entire life I hoarded food, hid food, ate it in secret and then threw away the evidence.

As a little kid I use to wait for the chance to run to the kitchen and snarf something really quickly. We didn’t often have many sweets in the house that I can remember, so when she would go downstairs to the laundry room I would run to the kitchen and eat spoonfuls of straight sugar. If we did happen to have something I’d unwrap it, eat it, and bury the wrapping in the bottom of the trashcan so nobody would see it, and hope that nobody would remember there were 3 cakes left instead of 2.

At parties and food gatherings it was taking extra pieces and bigger scoops of things and hoping nobody saw. Then hoping nobody noticed I went back for seconds, and thirds, and then snuck one more bread roll (or 2) as I was walking out the door.

Late night eating, and then embarrassment over wanting to eat again so I’d wait for my roommate to go to bed so that I could eat more without anybody seeing how much I was eating. If nobody sees it, it doesn’t count, right?

I would stop at a fast food place or gas station on my way home and eat something bad, and then fix dinner once I was home.

I think about eating a lot. It monopolizes my thoughts on a constant basis. There are times I’m sitting with my boyfriend watching television and he asks me if I heard something, or what I thought about what was just said. And I am too embarrassed to tell him I didn’t hear it because I was thinking about something I wanted to eat.

Tuesday for some strange reason I decided to buy 700 calories worth of coffee on my way home from work. Despite not having caffeine in like 6 weeks I thought it was a good idea to get caffeine. I hurried to finish it before I got off the train, threw the cup away, and was just glad that my boyfriend wouldn’t know I had just done that.

Then I got home and immediately after walking in the door I threw up. Then I had the shakes from the caffeine. Then I had a headache hit me like a ton of bricks. Needless to say, he found out, because I told him. He asked me why I did it.

Good question. That’s when the guilt creeps in and my response simply was “Because I’m stupid”.

It’s easy to beat myself up after a binge or a bad food choice. I’m hopeless, stupid, worthless. Instead of just acknowledging the slip up and moving past it, I decide beating myself up over it is the better choice. How does guilt work for you? Not well for me. Because it causes the problem to magnify itself. Well I’m already screwed, so why not make it TEN TIMES WORSE?!

People will sometimes say that losing weight is just about eating less and moving more. Well, yes that’s true, it mostly is about that. But for some of us, it’s figuring out how to kill an addiction to something that our body still needs. Alcoholics can just avoid alcohol and bars. Drug addicts can avoid the places they buy drugs.

But what of us that have a bad relationship with food and eating? What do we do? We have to buy groceries. We have to walk by and drive by food places everywhere we go. We have to learn to live with the fact that our body needs nourishment and therefore we have to correct our relationship with food.

It’s not easy.

I don’t want a pill or a surgery or any kind of quick fix. That won’t stick. I just need to learn to have an appreciation and respect for food, and moreso an appreciation and respect for my body and what it needs.

It’s a process.

Other people who understand the struggle:

Twelve in Twelve “My Cycle”

Ben Does Life “A Constant Struggle and a Breakthrough”


Feed Me I’m Cranky “Rob Kardashian’s Struggle with Binge Eating




Written by No More Tomorrows

October 13, 2011 at 10:58 am

Posted in NoMoreTomorrows

5 Responses

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  1. Wow. I fee like these were my exact thoughts 10 years ago when I was actively bulimic binging and purging up to 5 times per day. I was so ashamed of myself for eating, ashamed of purging and then just plain ashamed of every single thing about myself. I would be driving down the road and think “I’d be better off dead, I should just crash.” I was severely depressed and needed help. I was in a black hole and had no idea how bad it was until I got “caught” by my older sister and finally had to seek treatment. I started on depression meds and soon enough I realized how horrible the binge/purge cycle truly was. It did not end right away, but I eventually was able to get enough help to say that I am currently at a normal weight and have a decent relationship with food. (I will always have issues, but I no longer obsess over it.) I would not wish this obsession on anyone. I know exactly what you mean that we are always around food and cannot get away from it. I promise it can get better. Email me if you want to talk, I feel like I have been there and can offer some sort of hope.


    November 2, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    • Thank you Alison for sharing. Though our issues with food manifested in different ways, they’re both still valid. And it takes time and help to get them under control. I am glad that you got help and have gotten better.

      No More Tomorrows

      November 3, 2011 at 1:14 pm

  2. I had a huge binge last night, and threw up afterwards. Today I feel like s**t, I can bearly breathe from the pressure in my stomach and chest, and my head throbs. My face is all puffy from the water retention. And I’ve had a terrible mood all day.
    I can’t say reading your post made it any better. On the contrary, reading such a vivid description of a situation very similar to my own only makes it worse, because I see how pathetic I am, and last night’s episode was. At least it helps to see I’m not alone and to be reminded that I can’t fix what’s already done, but I can make a different choice today. No more tomorrows, right? Got it.


    November 30, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    • I haven’t ever struggled with binging and purging. The reason I was sick that day was because I hadn’t overloaded my body with that much sugar and that much caffeine in awhile and my body rejected it. I don’t know what it’s like to go through that cycle. I cannot imagine what a struggle it is.

      But I do know what it’s like to feel pathetic, and beat myself up over bad decisions. And it only makes it worse. I have learned the only way I’m going to get healthy and stay healthy is to make the best decisions with myself as top priority and forgive the times I fall short.

      One bad decision doesn’t have to lead to another bad decision. It doesn’t have to define us. Thank you for visiting and commenting.

      Carrie @ No More Tomorrows

      November 30, 2011 at 2:35 pm

  3. […] and then throwing away the evidence so nobody would see. He admitted to that the same week I wrote this. I cried when he talked about that because I understood it far too […]

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