Surviving is not Living

You with the sad eyes…

with 2 comments

I’ve watched you on the train before. You always sit in the same seat. Head down, hair falling in front of your face. Today I really looked at you. I hope you didn’t catch me, because I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable that I was staring. I know what it’s like to be stared at, and how it makes you feel, and I don’t want to add to that. Your sweater shawl was cute. It looked warm. It wasn’t that cold out yet this morning, but you still tugged at it and wrapped it around you tightly. I understand. I know what you were trying to hide. Maybe you feel like you can wrap up inside yourself and be smaller. I’ve been there. You look out the window, and you look down, but you don’t really take in the world. Your eyes show your unhappiness. I saw your eyes today, usually you wear glasses. Me too. Of course it’s mostly for the sun, but it’s also to hide, pretend that nobody sees me, that I can slip by unaware, unnoticed, be small, be hidden, be missed. My biggest fear in life is to not matter, not be seen, and yet ironically being fat in public makes me shrink into myself and not want to be seen.

I want to say something to you, tell you I understand. I want to give you my phone number and ask you to work out with me, motivate me, let me motivate you. But I’m too scared. I don’t know how you’ll take it. I don’t want to offend you, and I’m too insecure to approach people I don’t know, even people who look like me.  See, I don’t know if you can see me from where you are, but I’m fat too. And unhappy. And uncomfortable. It’s getting cold, and I hate cold, because as big and bulky as I already am, I don’t like adding a bulky coat to the equation. Sometimes it’s easier to be cold than to be uncomfortable.

But I do want  you to know it’s possible to change your life. I haven’t gotten there yet, but I’ve had a taste of it. I’m struggling, and sometimes the more I struggle the more hopeless I feel. But sometimes the struggle makes me feel strong, like I really can defeat this weight. I hope you know it’s possible. You look slightly younger than me. You could spend the majority of your 20’s healthy and happy instead of fat like I did.

Maybe I’ll say hello some day. Or maybe I was supposed to really see you today so that it would spark something in me to get back to work on myself, so that someday I can be an example to people like us, and I can have the confidence to walk up to people and ask them to let me help them change their lives.

I don’t know you, but I want better for you, and I want better for me too.

We deserve it.




Written by No More Tomorrows

October 25, 2011 at 10:54 am

Posted in Lessons, Weight Loss

2 Responses

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  1. LOVE this post! beautifully written…you are amazing 🙂


    October 26, 2011 at 1:52 am

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