Surviving is not Living

Do You Have Kids?

leave a comment »

It’s amazing how such a normal part of small talk and getting to know someone can be so profoundly awkward and difficult. When people are talking about getting to know each other, kids is something obvious to chat about. Before I was a babyloss mama, it seemed like such a simple question. Now, I realize it’s really not that simple at all. Last night I was at a networking event and I was reminded how such a simple question that should have a Yes or No answer, isn’t all that simple afterall.

“Do you have kids?”

Well… do I have kids. I know they mean do I have LIVING kids. Am I currently raising children. I don’t, and I’m not. But I did have a son. 

I saw the positive sign on the pregnancy tests. I heard his heart beating and saw him on the screen, and said that he was dancing. I heard his hiccups. I have proof. Ultrasound photos. He was there. I felt my body change. I threw up everyday for most of the 9 months. I lost bladder control and control of many other bodily functions. I can share in those awkward pregnancy stories too. I have them. I felt the butterflies. I felt the kicks, in my ribs, to my bladder. I felt his heel in my belly button. The cravings. The heartburn. I know those feelings too. I had the crazy hormone fluctuations. The excitement. The dreams. The fears. I felt my hips swell and fall out of socket. The back pain. Many uncomfortable nights of sleeping. Being wedged between pillows for support and then being stuck and not being able to roll myself out of bed. The plans. The baby showers. Picking out names. Calling pediatricians. Looking for daycare. Packing the bag to the hospital. Setting up his sleeper. Washing all the baby clothes. I felt the labor pains. Hours of labor pains and the needle in my spine to make it go away. I have proof that it happened. The scar where they took him from my body. I held him. Kissed his little nose. Saw 10 fingers and 10 toes. I have a lock of his pitch black curly hair. My milk came in. All the normal pregnancy stuff. I had a beautiful baby boy. I am a mom. I belong in the mommy world too. I can compare pregnancy stories with you. I belong. 

“No, I don’t”

“Oh lucky you.”

Yeah. Lucky me.


Written by No More Tomorrows

February 21, 2014 at 10:25 am

Posted in Baby Loss

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: