Surviving is not Living

Responsibility in Marriage

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Oftentimes in my life when I learn a lesson, I sort of become obnoxious about it, like I suddenly have all the answers in the world and you HAVE to listen to me and HAVE to do as I say because it is the ONLY way. I’m learning ways of transferring my lessons to willing eyes and ears without presenting it as the only way. Hopefully lessons I learn will help others along the way not make as many mistakes, or see things differently. Take it for what you will.

I have been married for two months, so of course I’m an expert on the subject.

Where’s the sarcasm font?

Truthfully most of the time I feel completely lost, out of control, and a huge failure. And when that happens, I usually pick a fight and blame my husband for my feeling that way. He, even with his faults as no one is perfect, is pretty amazing. I oftentimes feel pretty unworthy of him. That is my own insecurity, but I lash out and present it that HE is MAKING me feel that way. Because of course, we know, that others are completely in control of our thoughts and emotions.

Sarcasm font.

I have learned a lot of lessons in a short time. I will learn many more through the rest of my life as I navigate being a wife. Marriage is hard. Really hard. It’s even harder when you are determined to fight to make it great. Walking away is the easy part. We have a society that has shirked accountability and responsibility, not only in marriage but in all aspects of our lives. We like to take the easy way out. But what does it take to keep fighting, to face yourself and fix in yourself whatever it is that is making your marriage difficult? But what if it’s the other person, you ask? Well, you’re not responsible for the other person’s actions. You’re responsible for your own.

Rabbi Shalom Arush writes a book targeted towards men called The Garden of Peace. He also writes one for women called Women’s Wisdom. I have only read Women’s Wisdom because he makes it very clear that we are not to read the one targeting the opposite gender, as our purpose is not to hold his words over our spouse’s head, but to work on ourselves and what we have control over. In Women’s Wisdom he states that the responsibility for peace in the home is 100% on our shoulders. But wait… shouldn’t it be 50/50? No, it shouldn’t. His point is that if the wife believes that the responsibility of peace in the home is 100% her responsibility then she will be more likely to act selflessly. If the husband also acts in a way that he takes 100% responsibility for the peace in his home, he will seek to act selflessly as well. Two people always putting full effort into making their home happy and not blaming the other for their problems, means that they will focus instead on improving themselves, bringing a better person to the marriage each day than the day before.

That is much easier said than done. But I believe fully that it is necessary and possible. It is what I strive to do every day. And trust me I’m currently failing miserably at it. But my goal is to always be improving. My husband isn’t perfect, but if his desire is to have a peaceful home, he will focus his efforts on himself. I don’t need to focus on him. I don’t have time to be trying to improve anyone else. I have plenty of imperfection in myself to deal with.


Written by No More Tomorrows

July 31, 2014 at 10:11 am

Posted in NoMoreTomorrows

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