NoMoreTomorrows

Surviving is not Living

Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

How do you measure a year?

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“You never know the biggest day of your life is the biggest day. Not until it’s happening. You don’t recognize the biggest day of your life, not until you’re right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone. The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soul mate. The day you realize there’s not enough time, because you wanna live forever. Those are the biggest days. The perfect days. You know?”  Izzie, Grey’s Anatomy

 

I don’t know if I would say that was necessarily the biggest day of my life, but it was sure one of my top 5. It was the day I met a man who would forever change my life. I wrote about our first date here. It was one year ago today.

The year has been quite a year, that’s for sure. We had a good couple of weeks right away and then two months of not seeing each other. It was my fault. I did something dumb, and that could have been the end of that story, and I’m not sure who I would be right now if our story had ended there. But something brought him back to me.

I had seen people go from relationship to relationship without being able to be single. That wasn’t me. I spent my life being single, something that at times I hated, but I also am so glad I took the time to be alone with myself and figure out who I was. I didn’t get distracted with someone else, I was able to grow me, and be at peace with me.

That doesn’t mean I was perfect. Through this relationship I have learned so much more about myself, lessons that could only come from navigating through a relationship and figuring it out. It’s not been easy. But it’s been worth it all.  I’m not an expert on relationships, not by any means, but I believe that by being open to change, and by allowing myself to learn, that I am able to pass a few things on to others that might help.

Things I know for sure:

Women and men have forgotten what it means to be ladies and gentlemen. Our first date, he yelled at me for opening all my doors. He told me he doesn’t look at other women when he’s with his lady. I figured that was a line, but then I saw him back it up. When we are together, he looks at me. He doesn’t struggle with not looking other places, he just doesn’t do it. I see that it’s natural. I watched him in a store once when I was out in the car. He was surrounded by women, and he never looked at any of them. (And trust me they were all looking at him, because he’s hot.) He’s truly a gentleman. He treats me like a lady. He opens doors, carries in my groceries, checks the oil in my car, takes my coat from me and hangs it up. He lets me be a lady.  In fact, he expects it. It’s not some misogynistic outdated gender roles he forces on me. It’s just the standard he holds himself to. And in him being a gentleman, it naturally forces me to be a lady.


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Communicating effectively means knowing when to speak up and when to shut up. Sometimes we have a disagreement and he pushes me to talk about it, because he cares about my feelings, and wants to know what’s on my mind. And sometimes he doesn’t want to talk, and doesn’t want to hear what I have to say, because what I’m saying isn’t constructive. Women, sometimes we need to shut up. Truly. Some things are not important to be said. If we’re overreacting about something, and making something about us that isn’t about us, we don’t need to vocalize that and bring negativity into our space. Some things really can just be let go. Talk about things that are important, but sometimes, remember to shut up.

Independence should only be exerted when single, not when in a partnership. I can change my own oil, fix my own toilet, take things apart and put them back together. I don’t need anyone to do it for me. That independence has carried me a long way. But exerting that kind of independence in a relationship would destroy it. If I want him to be my partner, I need to let him do the things that are important to him to do. Refer to my first point about being a lady and being a gentleman. If I never let him do things for me, he’d start to feel unimportant pretty quickly. So I don’t need him to check my oil for me. But I ask him to do it before I leave town, because it allows him to do something to take care of me, and that is what fulfills him in the relationship. Not exerting my independence does not mean I have become weak and needy. He’d run away fast if that were the case. He likes my intelligence and my ability to stand on my own two feet. He knows if we were to have a family and something were to happen to him, I could take care of our family. He is attracted to my strength. So I choose to be softer, and let him be a man.

 

 

The most important lessons in life, are not easy to learn, and do not come without pain. We have had some difficult conversations. And he has said some things to me that are hard to hear. It’s something that I love about him that he won’t beat around the bush, he cuts straight to the issue. My being the emotional person I am, it’s sometimes hard to take that, but I wouldn’t have him any other way. He has taught me to cope with my emotions, to master them so they don’t master me. Emotions aren’t bad, but nobody should live by them, and sometimes I’m guilty of gut reactions instead of thinking through things. He doesn’t coddle my irrational emotions. I’m a Cancer, and a woman, I have a lot of them. He’s a Gemini and a man, he doesn’t understand them.  Good relationships will teach you important lessons about yourself, and other people, if you are open to learning and bettering yourself.

 

Life is short. Have fun always. That is a pretty easy one. Don’t make mountains out of mole hills. Laugh a lot. Smile. Don’t hold grudges. Don’t pick fights. Enjoy life. Enjoy each other. Make memories.

Never in my life did I imagine myself with someone like him. If I had looked at my “list” (if I had even made one) he might have met half of my criteria. But I had no idea what I should be wanting in a man, and I’m glad I could see to open myself up to the possibilities with someone who was so different than I was. As social as I can be sometimes, I never thought my favorite nights with a man would be spent staying in, fixing a meal, and listening to lectures. Sharing knowledge is hot. Sizzling. Trust me.

And one more thing, cut the cord from your phone to your hand. Turn it off, put it down, and put your eyes and your attention on each other. Facebook can wait.  I promise.

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Written by No More Tomorrows

December 6, 2011 at 11:18 am

That Girl

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I’ve been That Girl lately.  You know the one I’m talking about. She gets a boyfriend and suddenly that’s ALL she talks about. At least it seems like that’s all she talks about.

I’ve been her.

I never thought I would be. I figured I was independent enough to be in a relationship without being consumed.

But I’m consumed.

I used to get annoyed at girls who seemed to only talk about the man in their lives, because there’s so many other things that are important in the world, and being ridiculous over just one of those things in the world, seemed so crazy.

But I’ve become ridiculous.

And all I have to say about that is.

Sorry I’m not sorry.

 

See, there was a time years in my life that I was single. Prior to this relationship, the longest I dated someone was about 3 months. Yes I said months, not years. 3 months. That was the longest I could stand being a girlfriend before I had to cut loose and run free. When I did find myself truly interested in a guy, I got my feelings hurt, and so I would shy away from putting myself out there again.

Because I am a child of divorce, and because I’ve seen so many of my friends go through failed relationships, I started to think relationships just didn’t last. Breakup or divorce was imminent, and love just wasn’t worth investing in. I could have a successful career, be a single mother in some non-traditional manner, and that would be that. I had too high of expectations that no man would ever be able to fill, and if he did, he wouldn’t want me.

I watched too many chick flicks, listened to way too much tension-filled love songs, and read too many self help books written by women telling me about men and what they wanted.

I had it all wrong.

I don’t regret not dating. But I am very happy that I was mold-able enough to allow this man to open my eyes to be able to look in the mirror and see myself for what I was. I had a lot of good ideas about being a good woman and partner, and I had some bad ideas, and in some areas I had no idea.

But here is the thing with me. When I learn a lesson, it becomes my passion to share with others. I want everyone to “get it”.  When I came to the realization that all my preconceived notions about what a man should be were utter crap, I suddenly had this whole new view of relationships. I realized in one moment every relationship mistake I had ever made. And I didn’t want others to have to go through all that before learning and getting it too. So many people always heard me talk negatively about relationships. If Ms. Cynical got it, and found love, then everybody should be able to get it.

So I’ve turned into That Girl.

I’m perfectly okay with that.

Relationships are hard. But I am in love with a man who makes the hard work worth it.

 

That’s the key.

Two right people finding each other and putting in the work. Not completing each other, not controlling each other, manipulating each other, settling, or expecting perfection.

Two people finding the balance between not settling and not expecting perfection, and finding the right mix of putting yourself first and being selfless.

When it falls into place, it’s kind of amazing.

Trust me, you’ll be That Girl too.

 

Written by No More Tomorrows

October 18, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Posted in Lessons, Love, Relationships

A Fund for Jennie

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I discovered internet communities very early on in the internet age. I was in high school and had joined an online community for Christian teenagers. I “met” some pretty amazing people on that site. I understood kindred spirits, or Soul Friends. It wasn’t weird to me to be talking to people in a box that I never met face to face. I was able to connect with people, my age, going through similar things as I was, talking about things I liked. It seemed so natural. It never seemed odd.

The first time I crossed the internet veil into in-person meeting was my sophomore year of college. One of the guys from that site went to a college not far from mine and we decided to go to a movie. Nothing romantic, just something to do. It didn’t seem odd to meet him. It made me nervous, because I didn’t know how an online friendship would transcribe in person, but it wasn’t weird. We had had deep conversations, meaningful conversations. I felt like I knew him, and that he knew me. We had fun.

Since then I have wondered into various dimensions of online communities, more message boards, blogs, dating sites, etc and found people I connected with. Some I have met face to face, some are still just internet friends until the day we pass each other’s way and I hope to share coffee or such with them. There are people who I have been on the phone with at 2 am crying my eyes out, or vice versa with me being the listening ear. There are people all over the world with whom I am totally in love with as people and some of whom I’ve never seen face to face. To some that would be odd, but I know there are those of you who understand.

This very idea has been put into practice recently via Bloggers Without Borders. I recently discovered a new blogger when others that I had read mentioned a woman in the blogging community who had just suddenly lost her husband. I went to her site and have been reading it all the time since, with a heart that breaks everytime I do. She writes beautifully, and she captures her emotions in a way that only the best of writers can do. In Jennie’s Kitchen used to be a food blog. If you go back in her archives you will see plenty of drool-worthy eats. But now she shares about her husband, the last memories she has of him, and the road she is now forced to walk without him. Bloggers Without Borders has set up A Fund For Jennie. It was not only Jennie who was left without her husband, but her two young daughters were also left without their father. The blogging community has pulled together to raise money for the family.

It’s a beautiful thing to see what others will do for people they’ve never met. I cannot tell you how many times I find myself grateful that the internet exists and that I discovered the many wonderful people who live in my computer. In times where we see how many selfish people there are in the world, it’s beautiful to see the light of the compassionate, making a difference in others’ lives.

I’d also like to ask my readers to take a look and see what you can do to donate for Jennie and her girls. And thank you for being a part of my story and of my journey. Thank you for sharing life with me.

Written by No More Tomorrows

September 2, 2011 at 1:22 pm

All Over the Place

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It’s not that I have nothing to say right now, it’s that I have too much to say, and I can’t really make sense of the mess in my head. No worries, the mess isn’t bad, it’s just chaotic. Ideas and thoughts and all that jazz. Because I can’t really make sense of what’s in my own head, today is going to be full of a bunch of links to things I think everyone should read. I hope to provide you with enough to carry through the weekend in case I don’t get back to you before then. Tomorrow is my friday and then I’m headed back to Kansas for my 10 year high school reunion.

WHAT?! How has it been that long already? Seriously. When did we all become grown?

10 years. Hm.. that just got me thinking of a post idea.  Stay tuned for that. In the meantime, what follows is gonna be others’ posts who have inspired me, not all has to do with weightloss stuff, but just life in general and inspiration in different areas. Please check them out. There’s so many cool people I’ve found in the blogosphere, and because some of them are doing this for their career (which I hope to be someday, soon) visiting their pages and such helps support their livelihood, and I’m ALL about supporting small businesses/self-employed peeps.

Ben Does Life Video Journey – The Do Life Movement started from Ben’s journey. He was in Denver Sunday and that’s how I ended up doing my first 5K.  Pretty awesome. And really, that’s what it’s about, doing life. I want to lose 180 pounds, and get out of debt, and have positive people in my circle, and do the job I love to do, all because I believe life should be lived loudly, however that translates for you. We should be our best selves, not what others expect us to be, not what we settle for being, not stuck because we’re afraid to move, but extraordinary, because life is short, and we should soak it all up while we can.

This is What it Looks Like – A 26 part (short posts, easy reads) series on love. Jasmine Myers of Eat Move Write lets us in on her journey of discovering love, for the man who would eventually become her husband and, ultimately, for herself. It’s beautiful. Truly. Our ability to love anybody else only truly comes after we’ve fallen in love with ourselves.

Jasmine’s Top Posts – (More from Eat Move Write) All pretty awesome. In fact, you really should just go to her page and use her drop down menu to go back in time and read everything she has written, and then start following her regularly. She’s taking a short pause from her blog, so you have time to catch up. She’s pretty awesome. I find it to be a beautiful thing when your spirit connects to another’s even when you’ve not met that person. I know that not everyone connects with the same people, but I think some of you definitely will.

Running is for Crazy People – A Guest Blog at Healthy Tipping Point talking about what her “tipping point” was. Everybody has a moment where they decide that enough is enough and kick it into gear. This was hers. And I enjoyed the read.

30 Lessons My Parents Didn’t Teach Me – Just a freaking awesome post that E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y should read. Seriously.

Dear Mom, I would give it all back – Warning. It made me cry. Post from Jen, founder of Prior Fat Girl, who lost her mom during her journey, on the day of her 2 year anniversary of healthiness, when she planned on celebrating her 100 lbs lost.  Another one, My mom is dead talks a little more about her journey after losing her mom, with coming to the point of learning how to live without her mom, and realizing it was something she had to do. People wonder how you survive something like that, loss of a young parent, a spouse, or a child. The answer is this, you just do. You wake up, get out of bed, and put one foot in front of the other.

Rachel Wilkerson’s Fourth Rule – Thou Shalt Own It. I truly believe this. Do not every apologize for who you are. That is living a life that is authentic, and that is the greatest gift we can give others, our authentic selves. That doesn’t mean being a jerk for no reason and treating others poorly. It means accepting who you are and not apologizing if you don’t fit a perfect mold that someone else has created for you. Rachel is definitely someone I enjoy reading. She puts it out there. Doesn’t apologize, and makes me laugh, A LOT.  Check out her top posts and her recipes.

Okay, I hope that has given you enough to tide over for awhile. Link us to a favorite post(s) you’ve read recently. Or a favorite blogger. I’m always looking for new people to follow, to be inspired by, to laugh with.

And I promise I will be back with more posts of my own soon. I have a lot of ideas floating around, just need to organize them.  I have a list of “to be written” posts.

Written by No More Tomorrows

July 20, 2011 at 3:44 pm

#BestDateEver

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My heart’s beating pounding out of my chest, sitting in my jeep, fiddling with the radio, checking my makeup, chewing gum, looking at my phone, smoothing my clothes…

Mind racing…

I should have worn something more loose, that doesn’t hug my body. My hair is starting to get flat. What if this is a joke and he’s setting me up to be embarrassed and isn’t really going to show up. What if I get mugged sitting here in this sketchy area in the dark waiting. What if he’s parked on the other side of the building and we’re both just waiting. 

*Checks phone*

He said he’d be here in 15 minutes. It’s been SIXTEEN minutes. He’s not showing. What kind of car does he drive? He said, but seriously, what do I know about cars? He said small. There’s a small one. Is that him. ohmygodimgonnahurl

He pulls up and I look in the car to make sure it really is him, at least from what I can tell from his pictures, and that I don’t step out of the car and stand there like an idiot as a stranger gets out and wonders what this freak is doing getting out of her car to stand there and stare at him.

Yup, it’s him.

The air is pretty cold, after all it’s December and I decided I should wear a very short sleeve shirt and not wear a coat because a coat would be bulky and make me look big and awkward. He steps out of the car (and I think I felt drool on my face) and says hello, gives me a hug, and we walk towards the bar.  I open the door and we walk inside and have a seat.  Since it didn’t seem like we were gonna be served anytime soon, he went up to the bar to order my drink.

I really was listening to him as we talked, but I didn’t retain much because I was too focused on admiring how freakin hot he was.  During our conversation he happened to look at his phone, apologized and said he’d missed a call from his mom and needed to call her back.  (uh oh, momma’s boy?) He then asked if I’d go outside with him while he called her.  I appreciated that a lot, because it was a nice gesture to make so that if I was having any potential feelings of He’s calling another girl!! those feelings could be put to rest.  He made the call quick, asked if everything was okay, said he was on a date (!!!!!) and got off the phone. He then apologized again and said his mom had been sick and since it was kind  of late that she had called, he wanted to be sure she was okay.

I melted.

As we stood up to walk back inside he stepped in front of me and turned his cheek towards me and tapped it with his finger. I smiled, giggled a little bit, and with butterflies fluttering away, I leaned in for the kiss just as he turned and tricked me into meeting his lips.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I smiled and he slid his hand into mine and we walked back inside, with him yelling at me for opening the door before he could get to it, of which I had now done several times. What can I say, I’ve never been woo’ed, I was used to opening doors myself.  I was capable.

Yeah, I know that’s not the point. He was wanting to be a gentleman. It was natural for him. I wasn’t letting him do what was natural to him and what was important to him.

We stood outside for awhile after I had said I needed to get home so I could sleep. After a long and cuddly goodbye I got in my car, telling him I’d let him know when I got home, and confirming that we’d plan date number 2 very soon.

As I drove towards home, my mind raced over our date and everything that was said. Smiling from ear to ear, in a way I never had before, I found myself resting on one thought…

I’m never letting that man go

 

 

 

 

Written by No More Tomorrows

June 29, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Posted in Relationships, Stories

Trusting the Process

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“You can’t hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don’t come easy
It’s a game of give and take

You can’t hurry love
No, you just have to wait
You got to trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes”

You Can’t Hurry Love – Diana Ross

I was lamenting to my best friend about my relationship and the frustration that I was having and once I talked through it and she gave me a brilliant answer and I felt better, she said “take a breath and trust the process of growing together”.

And so here we are.

Trust the process.

What does THAT mean?

It means that in life, with many different situations there is a way things go. I’ve also heard “trusting the process” talked about on The Biggest Loser. Do what you’re told by the trainers and nutritionists, and believe that they know what they’re talking about and that you’ll get the results you want.

My friend had said it to me in regards to a relationship, because the process is important. We live in a country that has a more than 50% divorce rate. I think too many people are trying to rush things, to get to the future now, instead of living the current now and enjoying the journey. This is my first relationship, it’s the first time I’m treading these untouched waters, and it’s not easy. I want to hurry up and know how it ends, and if it ends in breakup, I want to know now so I can avoid it by walking away before I’m too invested more invested than I am now. I’d rather have hurt over mega hurt. Also, if it ends in happily ever after I want to know that too, because then I can relax and enjoy.

I’m not trusting the process and enjoying the ride. Not as much as I should.

It’s the same with my weight loss. I’ve been stalled for 2 weeks. I was having success, it was consistent. I was feeling amazing, but it just wasn’t happening fast enough, it wasn’t easy, and that’s my MO when things get hard, give it the finger and walk the away.

I don’t trust the process.

It’s time for me to stop being afraid of the what-ifs, stop trying to read the last page of the story, tired to let go of control (say WHAT?!)  and just live my life, enjoying the journey, and trusting the process.

What do you have a hard time waiting for? In what way do you need to just breathe and trust the process?

Written by No More Tomorrows

June 24, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Settling Rant

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We are a society of settlers. We settle for status quo, for ignorance, for never seeking more knowledge and education, for bad relationships, for crappy food, lousy sex, bad paying jobs, good paying jobs with companies that treat us like crap, a pill for every ill and other lies doctors sell us disguising it as the only way, bad health, no wealth, inconsiderate friends, indoctrination, entertainment programming, government programming, and I could go on…

Something snapped inside me and I decided I was tired of it.  It had been building for awhile, and I had been changing a little, but within the last couple months it finally came to a head. I don’t want to settle for status quo anymore. There is SO MUCH MORE out there.

I’ve been talking a lot on my facebook about food and clean eating. I’ve become passionate about it. At 301 pounds, there’s probably people who’d believe I don’t have much to say on the subject of healthy food, but I do. I do because I’ve lost weight eating clean food. At 305 pounds I started running. Despite the weight on my body, I was able to go from barely surviving 5 minutes of cardio to doing a fast paced latin/hip hop/cardio dance workout followed by strength training, and I didn’t die. I’m being nice to my body, and it’s responding. I believe in clean eating, and I didn’t just snap my fingers and get to it with no slip ups, I’ll probably still have slip ups. Old habits die hard, and I truly believe the additives are addictive, so I’m not always eating the best, but I’m journeying towards that. I believe our bodies behave better on good food. Our minds think more clearly, our bodies are fueled for workouts and completing our daily tasks. I cannot tell you how much energy I feel I have despite giving up what I always thought was the driving force in my energy; coffee.

It seems these days I see more bad relationships than good relationships, more people struggling with money than living well and feeling secure, more people living on medicines that seem to be doing more harm than good.

I don’t wish to discount the work that doctors have done to get where they are. That’s a lot of school, a lot of time and energy to get into their positions. However I feel that the overall system as a whole, has failed and is continuing to fail. I believe that a lot of our ails can be cured by fixing our environment and our habits, not shoving a pill down our throats. I also believe that when it comes to pregnancy, that doctors make bad choices for their patients a lot, and that women follow whatever is said to the letter, believing that that’s the only way.

And entertainment… ugh.. that stuff puts so many false ideas in our heads. We’re walking around programmed and we don’t even realize it.

I’m going to expand further on these subjects as time goes on. For today, I just wanted to rant about it, because I have realized I desire more for myself. I hope that I will have the grace to say what I can to educate and inspire others to change and that it doesn’t come from a place of judgement or arrogance. I believe there’s so much more, and I believe we all deserve it.

 

 

Written by No More Tomorrows

June 15, 2011 at 2:58 pm