NoMoreTomorrows

Surviving is not Living

A little less talk.

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I use words. I don’t know big words. I never read the dictionary until recently when the guy in my relationship brought it out to look through. He’s into the etymology of words and I’ve learned quite a bit, but overrall I keep it simple. There are a few friends who, when I speak to them I usually have a dictionary close by or pulled up on the computer so I can look up all the words they’re using in order to understand them. I don’t know big words, but I do know how to craft the words that I do know. I can cut people down, encourage people, explain myself. Maybe that means I’m a writer, because I don’t often have to think much about what I want to say or how I want to say it, it just normally comes, easily and without struggle. And I can ramble on with the best of them. I’m detailed and often will explain myself in three different ways just to make sure that people really know what I’m saying and that I’m not misunderstood. If you’ve read my blog for any amount of time, you’ve seen that. I don’t do short posts. I do long drawn out ones. Some would say that’s a no no in the blogging world, that it turns people off. I’m still learning how to blog to get followers. I hope one day to be successful.

But I use words. I can craft a put down that makes your momma cry, and say words to encourage and make people feel good. I can paint a beautiful picture of myself and what I am learning and growing in and I can make everything seem fine and wonderful. I can put together words of inspiration about weightloss to make people actually believe I’m in it and not sitting at the computer eating donuts. I can speak in love and softness and also in anger and frustration. I can use words.

I believe it’s a gift. But I also believe it’s a curse. Sometimes words aren’t needed. Sometimes they do nothing but keep me stagnant. What good are words of inspiration if I’m not letting them change me? What good is talking without action. I can apologize in the most eloquent of ways but what does it matter if I’m not really sorry, if I don’t change what it was that caused the offense in the first place. I can promise to be better, and move people to tears, but what does that matter?

I am thankful for my gift of writing and expressing myself. I’m happy that people find it encouraging and helpful. I’m proud of the work I’ve put out.

But the true beauty is in action, that’s when things happen. That is when progress is made. Words paint a pretty picture, but without action that picture will just sit in the closet and collect dust.

I don’t like being dusty.

 

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Written by No More Tomorrows

November 9, 2011 at 11:37 am

Posted in Lessons, Writing

Pushing through

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In the interest of not letting this time of year get me in a hole, I decided what better way to fight it than to get back at working out.  I do have a weigh in tomorrow afterall. Last weighin 10/15/2011 was 295 pounds.

So Saturday I did hip hop, yoga and 30/40/50.

Sunday I did kickboxing, yoga and 30/40/50.

And today, so far, I walked 1.5 miles during lunch.  Oh, and ran to the bus stop because I was late, so that was about 30 seconds of running. And I didn’t feel like I would die. Progress.

30/40/50 is 30 pushups, 40 squats, and 50 crunches.

This time of year is hard for me. Today kind of starts it all.

October 31, 2008 was my last doctor’s appointment with my son that I got to hear his heartbeat.

November 1 was my due date.

November 5 was when I found out he had passed away in utero.

November 7 was when he was born.

November 13 was when I said goodbye.

The first year, in 2009 from about the beginning of October to the new year I was in a pretty deep depression. 2010 was better. I think it will continue to be better. It’s not that the pain is lessened. It’s just that I’ve learned to cope better. I’ll always miss him. I’d have a three year old toddling around. Life would be very different. And he’ll never get to have the milestones I see all my friends’ children have. He’s never coming back. And that’s a pain so deep, I just can’t describe it.

It’s time for me to be healthy though. It’s time to stop punishing myself for failing him.

I’m pushing on through. Because life is kind of beautiful. And I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines watching it go by.

 

Written by No More Tomorrows

October 31, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Posted in Baby Loss, Weight Loss

You with the sad eyes…

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I’ve watched you on the train before. You always sit in the same seat. Head down, hair falling in front of your face. Today I really looked at you. I hope you didn’t catch me, because I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable that I was staring. I know what it’s like to be stared at, and how it makes you feel, and I don’t want to add to that. Your sweater shawl was cute. It looked warm. It wasn’t that cold out yet this morning, but you still tugged at it and wrapped it around you tightly. I understand. I know what you were trying to hide. Maybe you feel like you can wrap up inside yourself and be smaller. I’ve been there. You look out the window, and you look down, but you don’t really take in the world. Your eyes show your unhappiness. I saw your eyes today, usually you wear glasses. Me too. Of course it’s mostly for the sun, but it’s also to hide, pretend that nobody sees me, that I can slip by unaware, unnoticed, be small, be hidden, be missed. My biggest fear in life is to not matter, not be seen, and yet ironically being fat in public makes me shrink into myself and not want to be seen.

I want to say something to you, tell you I understand. I want to give you my phone number and ask you to work out with me, motivate me, let me motivate you. But I’m too scared. I don’t know how you’ll take it. I don’t want to offend you, and I’m too insecure to approach people I don’t know, even people who look like me.  See, I don’t know if you can see me from where you are, but I’m fat too. And unhappy. And uncomfortable. It’s getting cold, and I hate cold, because as big and bulky as I already am, I don’t like adding a bulky coat to the equation. Sometimes it’s easier to be cold than to be uncomfortable.

But I do want  you to know it’s possible to change your life. I haven’t gotten there yet, but I’ve had a taste of it. I’m struggling, and sometimes the more I struggle the more hopeless I feel. But sometimes the struggle makes me feel strong, like I really can defeat this weight. I hope you know it’s possible. You look slightly younger than me. You could spend the majority of your 20’s healthy and happy instead of fat like I did.

Maybe I’ll say hello some day. Or maybe I was supposed to really see you today so that it would spark something in me to get back to work on myself, so that someday I can be an example to people like us, and I can have the confidence to walk up to people and ask them to let me help them change their lives.

I don’t know you, but I want better for you, and I want better for me too.

We deserve it.

 

 

Written by No More Tomorrows

October 25, 2011 at 10:54 am

Posted in Lessons, Weight Loss

That Girl

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I’ve been That Girl lately.  You know the one I’m talking about. She gets a boyfriend and suddenly that’s ALL she talks about. At least it seems like that’s all she talks about.

I’ve been her.

I never thought I would be. I figured I was independent enough to be in a relationship without being consumed.

But I’m consumed.

I used to get annoyed at girls who seemed to only talk about the man in their lives, because there’s so many other things that are important in the world, and being ridiculous over just one of those things in the world, seemed so crazy.

But I’ve become ridiculous.

And all I have to say about that is.

Sorry I’m not sorry.

 

See, there was a time years in my life that I was single. Prior to this relationship, the longest I dated someone was about 3 months. Yes I said months, not years. 3 months. That was the longest I could stand being a girlfriend before I had to cut loose and run free. When I did find myself truly interested in a guy, I got my feelings hurt, and so I would shy away from putting myself out there again.

Because I am a child of divorce, and because I’ve seen so many of my friends go through failed relationships, I started to think relationships just didn’t last. Breakup or divorce was imminent, and love just wasn’t worth investing in. I could have a successful career, be a single mother in some non-traditional manner, and that would be that. I had too high of expectations that no man would ever be able to fill, and if he did, he wouldn’t want me.

I watched too many chick flicks, listened to way too much tension-filled love songs, and read too many self help books written by women telling me about men and what they wanted.

I had it all wrong.

I don’t regret not dating. But I am very happy that I was mold-able enough to allow this man to open my eyes to be able to look in the mirror and see myself for what I was. I had a lot of good ideas about being a good woman and partner, and I had some bad ideas, and in some areas I had no idea.

But here is the thing with me. When I learn a lesson, it becomes my passion to share with others. I want everyone to “get it”.  When I came to the realization that all my preconceived notions about what a man should be were utter crap, I suddenly had this whole new view of relationships. I realized in one moment every relationship mistake I had ever made. And I didn’t want others to have to go through all that before learning and getting it too. So many people always heard me talk negatively about relationships. If Ms. Cynical got it, and found love, then everybody should be able to get it.

So I’ve turned into That Girl.

I’m perfectly okay with that.

Relationships are hard. But I am in love with a man who makes the hard work worth it.

 

That’s the key.

Two right people finding each other and putting in the work. Not completing each other, not controlling each other, manipulating each other, settling, or expecting perfection.

Two people finding the balance between not settling and not expecting perfection, and finding the right mix of putting yourself first and being selfless.

When it falls into place, it’s kind of amazing.

Trust me, you’ll be That Girl too.

 

Written by No More Tomorrows

October 18, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Posted in Lessons, Love, Relationships

If I eat a cookie in the woods and no one is around, do I still get fat?

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In hiding. In secret. Secret stashes. Waiting to be alone. Preoccupied with the thoughts of wanting it. Throwing away the evidence. Nobody will know. It doesn’t count if nobody sees. Waiting for the next hit. The next high. I need it. Needing a shot of it. More. Never enough. Never satisfied. And then the regret. Never again.

Until the next time.

And the cycle continues.

I am not an alcoholic. I am not into heroine or meth, crack or pills.

But I love food.

I think love is the wrong word. When I say I love my family, my son, my boyfriend, I mean that I appreciate that, that I have a respect for them, a deep emotion to take care of them.

To love food is to appreciate it, real food, the stuff that nourishes and sustains your body. The stuff that you eat and it makes you feel good, strong, healthy.

I have an obsession with eating. That’s what it is.

For my entire life I hoarded food, hid food, ate it in secret and then threw away the evidence.

As a little kid I use to wait for the chance to run to the kitchen and snarf something really quickly. We didn’t often have many sweets in the house that I can remember, so when she would go downstairs to the laundry room I would run to the kitchen and eat spoonfuls of straight sugar. If we did happen to have something I’d unwrap it, eat it, and bury the wrapping in the bottom of the trashcan so nobody would see it, and hope that nobody would remember there were 3 cakes left instead of 2.

At parties and food gatherings it was taking extra pieces and bigger scoops of things and hoping nobody saw. Then hoping nobody noticed I went back for seconds, and thirds, and then snuck one more bread roll (or 2) as I was walking out the door.

Late night eating, and then embarrassment over wanting to eat again so I’d wait for my roommate to go to bed so that I could eat more without anybody seeing how much I was eating. If nobody sees it, it doesn’t count, right?

I would stop at a fast food place or gas station on my way home and eat something bad, and then fix dinner once I was home.

I think about eating a lot. It monopolizes my thoughts on a constant basis. There are times I’m sitting with my boyfriend watching television and he asks me if I heard something, or what I thought about what was just said. And I am too embarrassed to tell him I didn’t hear it because I was thinking about something I wanted to eat.

Tuesday for some strange reason I decided to buy 700 calories worth of coffee on my way home from work. Despite not having caffeine in like 6 weeks I thought it was a good idea to get caffeine. I hurried to finish it before I got off the train, threw the cup away, and was just glad that my boyfriend wouldn’t know I had just done that.

Then I got home and immediately after walking in the door I threw up. Then I had the shakes from the caffeine. Then I had a headache hit me like a ton of bricks. Needless to say, he found out, because I told him. He asked me why I did it.

Good question. That’s when the guilt creeps in and my response simply was “Because I’m stupid”.

It’s easy to beat myself up after a binge or a bad food choice. I’m hopeless, stupid, worthless. Instead of just acknowledging the slip up and moving past it, I decide beating myself up over it is the better choice. How does guilt work for you? Not well for me. Because it causes the problem to magnify itself. Well I’m already screwed, so why not make it TEN TIMES WORSE?!

People will sometimes say that losing weight is just about eating less and moving more. Well, yes that’s true, it mostly is about that. But for some of us, it’s figuring out how to kill an addiction to something that our body still needs. Alcoholics can just avoid alcohol and bars. Drug addicts can avoid the places they buy drugs.

But what of us that have a bad relationship with food and eating? What do we do? We have to buy groceries. We have to walk by and drive by food places everywhere we go. We have to learn to live with the fact that our body needs nourishment and therefore we have to correct our relationship with food.

It’s not easy.

I don’t want a pill or a surgery or any kind of quick fix. That won’t stick. I just need to learn to have an appreciation and respect for food, and moreso an appreciation and respect for my body and what it needs.

It’s a process.

Other people who understand the struggle:

Twelve in Twelve “My Cycle”

Ben Does Life “A Constant Struggle and a Breakthrough”

 

Feed Me I’m Cranky “Rob Kardashian’s Struggle with Binge Eating

 

 

Written by No More Tomorrows

October 13, 2011 at 10:58 am

Posted in NoMoreTomorrows

Biggest Loser Week in Review: Episode 3

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I finally watched this week’s episode of the Biggest Loser. I don’t know if you watch the show and have watched previous seasons, but as someone who started in season 3 and has watched everything since, I have to say, I’m starting to lose the love. Am I the only one?

I don’t know if it’s the drama, or Jillian not being there, or if the behind the scenes people have changed, but it’s not the same show I’ve watched before. Usually I find myself connecting to the contestants and picking out a few favorites in the first episode or two. This season I really can’t think of even one I’m all that drawn to. I’m starting to think I’m only watching because of:

Don't you just want to lick his abs? Oh, is that just me?

Him.

The show still inspires me a little, and it still makes me think about myself and my journey. But it’s not really teaching me anything new and I don’t have a contestant I’ve invested my interest in to see their journey.  I’m feeling disappointed.

It was NFL week on the Biggest Loser this week, so at their first challenge and at their last chance workout, there were NFL players present. Of course this made Antone talk again of his NFL days and about how badly he’s let himself go. All of his tears seem so fake. And I’m left feeling like I want to tell him to man the eff up and stop crying. It’s not that I am of the ridiculous belief that “real men don’t cry” but I am of the belief that “real men don’t cry for dramatics”, which is all I’m feeling from him, whiny dramatic fake tears.

Courtney of the black team won the individual challenge, which amounted to her getting $5,000, a nice prize.

In the team challenge they were to work out for 4 quarters. 15 minutes of a workout, followed by a 10 minute rest, for 4 repetitions. Their challenge was who could burn the most average calories as a team during those 4 quarters. As usual, black team won, followed by red, and blue team came up last. The black team won a spa day, which they happened to turn down in the interest of keeping their minds focused on their weightloss and not getting distracted.

I literally laughed out loud during “halftime” when Ramone, during his interview, said “This is where we bring the pain. This is where we win.” More dramatics. I’m not watching the show for fake inspiration and motivation. If you’re naturally motivating and entertaining then awesome. But I don’t need something forced. Everything feels forced. Fake.

I was pretty intrigued by the calories burnt though. Even the blue team coming in last burned 764 calories. Burning 764 calories a day for 5 days a week would get you to 3500 calories which is a pound. An hour a day is really beneficial when it comes to weightloss. It’s not the only thing, but it would be a big contribution. Everybody has an hour in their day they could do it. I really believe that.

During the challenge Jessica mostly did spinning. That mixed with whatever else she did during the week helped her lose 11 pounds at the weigh in! ELEVEN! I have a feeling that spinning really is a good workout. My girly bits are screaming at me for even considering a spinning class, but I know it’s a good idea. I have it on my radar. Girly bits be damned.

Jennifer, who was instructed to not do any weight bearing exercises managed to drop 16 pounds in a week. Okay, so what’s our excuses? She can’t walk, run, do jumping jacks, etc but she lost 16 pounds with her workout variations. That’s pretty phenomenal.

Bonnie made me cry when she was on the scale. After a couple weeks of real struggles on the scale, she pulled out a 7 pound weightloss. She looked right at the camera and said she was 63 years old and still did it, even though it was a slow weightloss, “So get off the couch and start doing something, no matter how old you are.”  It’s true. Excuses aren’t getting us anywhere. Nobody is too old to do it, and doing it will only extend your life.

The red team lost the weigh in. And this is where I pretty much decided that it’s the red team that is the source of most of the dramatics. Pretty much all the teams have always had tears when it comes to voting someone off. You’re changing your life right beside people. You’re going to bond, and it’s going to be hard to send someone home. I get that. But red team took it to ridiculous heights

It was kinda like…

'Nuff Said

They ended up sending Patrick home by a vote of 3-2. In the update I was really happy for Patrick. He started at the ranch at 387 pounds, and in the update he was down to 296. I think when he comes back for the marathon he’ll be one of the people to beat.

By the way, the previews from next week show Dolvett riled up about losing. He’s even sexier when he’s angry.

Stay tuned.

Written by No More Tomorrows

October 7, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Responsible to Who?

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“You can please all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot please all the people all the time.”

(Quote attributed to being a variation of Abraham Lincoln’s original quote)

Being a public person seems like it’s a tight rope to walk. Everybody has an opinion, as I’m sure you’re familiar with that popular quote as well. I’m not that public and not that popular, but I do have narcissistic, self-aggrandizing aspirations to be important and popular. Because I saw another post today where the blogger wrote something and then got jumped all over for it, it made me think about responsibility when you’re a public person.

Caitlin’s post today, “10 Personal Questions, Part III” is a giveaway for her readers. In that she admitted to cheating in college and getting an A. Because she received backlash over it, she chose to edit it. Then she received more backlash about lying and about deleting the earlier comment for a new one. It just seems like she can’t win no matter what she does. This is where you refer to my quote at the beginning of this post.

Jen spoke about birth control once, asking opinions when she was considering changing her type of birth control. She received a comment calling into question her faith and her lifestyle.

I have seen it happen in every blog I regularly visit. A reader (or readers) decides it’s their duty to call out the blogger. Now, it is NOT my intention to say a reader should never disagree with a blogger. Absolutely disagree. I don’t think it’s wrong that readers responded to Caitlin by questioning her decision to put her cheating out there as she did. They said the comment seemed flippant. That is their right to say what they observed and the manner in which they interpreted it. What I don’t agree with, is when readers revert to a public flogging, when the comment is not stated respectfully or with kindness and instead seems to bring the blogger before us to stand trial and defend themselves. That is sad to me. But it happens. A lot.

It makes me think about my responsibility on this blog. Do I have a responsibility to be careful what I post in regards to weight loss so that it does not trigger someone with an eating disorder? Do I have a responsibility to not post my authentic opinion about something so as to not offend someone? Do I have a responsibility to post for my readers as opposed to posting for myself?

The conclusion I have come to is this: my responsibility is to myself and myself only.

Now, before anybody jumps on that to say I don’t care about my current and (hopefully) future readership, let me explain.

I blog because I like getting my thoughts out there, because it will help me track my life’s journey with weightloss and more, and because I have a passion for helping others and I believe that I am capable of helping others change their lives. I enjoy blogging and if it was only for me, I’d keep it private. I publish it because I DO want readers, and I DO care about my readership. But I say that I am only responsible to myself because if I operate that way I believe I will continue to keep my readership in mind.

Putting myself first means I’ll post in a way that will keep readers and not push people away. It means I do and will continue to, put things under a microscope to make sure I’m posting what is true and writing in a way to where my words have the least possibility of being misunderstood. I received a comment once in response to my statement on keeping my kids out of public school in my post “Too Extreme?” The reader felt I had been harsh in making that statement. I don’t feel my intention was to come off that way at all.

At the end of the day, my only responsibility to my readers is honesty. If I were to reach my goal weight by a pill or a surgery and then tell you I used no alternative method but eating right and working out, then I have done wrong by you. I pledge to you, my reader that anything you read from me will be completely honest and authentic. I want you to get a glimpse of who I really am by being a reader. I will apologize for what I have said that hurt others when I did not intend to, and I will welcome questions and criticism. I will hold myself responsible to maintaining the kindness and compassion on here that I attempt to live by in my non-blog life. But I will also demand respect from my readers, to me and to other readers. I will also stand by the fact that this is my blog, and that I hold all rights and responsibilities to my work. When I feel strongly enough about something, I won’t apologize for it. There are hills worth dying on, and things worth standing for without retreat. But I will walk that tight rope the best I know how to. And I hope my readership will always know my true intentions and will read my words with that understanding.

Check out these other blog posts on blogger responsibility.

Struggling with blogger responsibility

Diary of a Stay at Home Writer: The Real Freedom of Speech

Two Cents

What are your thoughts?

To what extent do you believe bloggers have a responsibility to their readers?

And to what extent should readers simply exercise their right to not read a blog whose writer they’re not thrilled with?

Written by No More Tomorrows

September 29, 2011 at 1:24 pm