Surviving is not Living

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This is My Now

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Wowsers. I cannot believe it’s been 2 weeks since I’ve written anything. I go to other pages and see they haven’t written in awhile and I get worried that they’ve slipped and aren’t doing well in their journey. However, if you follow my facebook “fan” page (weird to call it that) you’ll see that I’ve actually had a GREAT couple of weeks.

11/20 Weighin – down 4 pounds

11/27 Weighin – down 2 pounds

So, since I kicked things back into gear this month, I’ve seen results. And it feels amazing. So far on this journey I have lost 26 pounds, which puts my current weight at 294.  It still sucks to put that high of a number down, and to know it could be so much lower had I stuck to my hard work and not let myself backslide. But I made a decision when I started this journey that I’m not going back. Every pound that comes off my body will never be put back on. I’m not going back to what I used to be.

There was a time I packed my dreams away
Living in a shell, hiding from myself

There was a time when I was so afraid
I thought I’d reached the end, baby that was then
But I am made of more than my yesterdays

I got off work early and headed for a walk/run. I went to the track that’s a couple blocks from my house. I’ve been jogging the curves and walking the straights on the track, until I build up to be able to run entire laps. Half way through the workout I was almost in tears. Finishing up and walking back home, the tears were harder to ward off.

I had to decide, was I gonna to play it safe?
Or look somewhere deep inside, try to turn the tide
And find the strength to take that step of faith?

It’s not easy to push through exhaustion. It’s been my thing to give up on everything that is hard. It’s been the thing I do to take the easy way out. Making myself continue running when my lungs and legs are burning is uncomfortable. I don’t enjoy it. The other day I was holding plank (in yoga) and set my knees down when it started to hurt. I had to berate myself “Carrie, stop quitting!” And I got back up and held it the rest of the time, while I was shaking, and hurting, and struggling.

But I have a courage like never before, yeah
I’ve settled for less, but I’m ready for more
Ready for more!

This is my now and I am breathing in the moment
As I look around I can’t believe the love I see
My fear’s behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt
That was then, this is my now!

But as I was walking home from the track that day I had to face facts. This wouldn’t have been so difficult if I had started before now. I was overweight my whole life, but for about a third of it, I was the same weight plus or minus 10 pounds. It wasn’t until a year ago, at the weight I swore would be my heaviest, I put on an additional 40 pounds in less than 6 months. Call it stress, call it depression, call it whatever you want to call it, but if I had started then, I wouldn’t have had those extra 40 pounds to take off.

Now, instead of 140 pounds I wanted to lose, I have 180.  Now I have that much harder to work, when it could have been just a little bit easier before to start and get it done. I never would have had to know what it was like to see 300 on the scale. Do you know what it’s like? It’s hell. That’s what it is. It’s facing the fact that you’ve completely lost control.

So this is it for me. I refuse to look back a year from now, 50 pounds heavier, and wish I had started now.  And I’m asking you to do the same. Don’t give yourself a holiday pass. Don’t wait for new years. Don’t wait for the money to get a gym membership, or the doctor to call you back about surgery, or your chance at the Biggest Loser, etc. Start now. Whatever it is.

This is my now, and I’m not looking back. And I’m asking you to join me.

*Lyrics for This is My Now, performed by Jordin Sparks



Written by No More Tomorrows

November 30, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Drama, Weirdness and Temptations, OH MY!

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1st Episode recap can be found here.


Is it just me or does this season of The Biggest Loser seem to have more dramatics?

Episode 2 of this season’s Biggest Loser opens with Alison talking to the teams about the stereotypes of different age groups. She then asks for a volunteer from each team and she takes them into a room. In this room they find donuts. Obviously, this is a temptation. There are dividers up between each person so that you can’t see what they’re doing. She then tells them that this week the gym will only be open 3 times, from 5-7 am, 12-2 pm, and 9-11 pm, and that each team may only work out in the gym once per day, for 2 hours each. She explains that the donuts are each 35 calories (small donuts by the way, like in the little packages) and that to win power over deciding who would get each slot, their team must consume the most calories.


35 CALORIES??!! For ONE of those? Are you satisfied with just one of those small donuts. I know I’m not. There are times I eat a package of 6 and still want something else. It’s not nurturing food. It’s empty calories. So I got to thinking about what else could be eaten instead and be a better choice.  The answer is, quite a lot. About a 1/2 cup to a cup of most fruits and vegetables can be eaten and only be around 35 calories. The thing I think about Temptations on the Biggest Loser is always this: Why waste calories?

I wish I could get my head wrapped around that thought in my everyday life. But it’s not yet. I waste a lot of calories.

Back to the show…

Mike on the Blue team is the first to eat a donut. He eats a few while the red team nor the black team eats any. Then they pan through the various other team members as each get their turns and nobody eats.  Some team members try to trick others into believing they’re eating, when they’re really not. Johnny was by far the most weird and disturbing with his sex-like noises. And then they get to the last round, and John from the black team states that he absolutely wants to be able to choose which time they work out. He sets to work, and INHALES those donuts. It’s quite disgusting to watch. But I wondered how many times I’ve looked that desperate and out of control. It was hard to watch.

Alison calls them all back in, and mentions that two teams ate. She then says Mike on the blue team ate 11 donuts, for 385 calories. To which he responded “That’s my lunch”. Why yes, that is a whole meal of calories, and it was wasted on nothing good. Then she says he wasn’t the winner, that ONE team member at 37 donuts, for a total of 1295 calories.  As soon as she announced it I swear I saw tears hit John’s eyes. He was out of control. He didn’t even think about what he ate, he just ate it. And all I saw on his face was regret. I nearly cried for him. How many times after a binge do I just wish I could take it back, drink enough water to flush it away, or get to the bathroom and get it out of my system. It was devastating to see him that out of control, because I understood.

Now on to the workouts.

The Black team chose the 5-7 am slot. They all complained about having to get up, but then one person said, if it has to be 5-7 am then it has to be 5-7 am, sometimes that’s all you have. It’s true. That really is the ideal time for me to get up and do it. After work I’m tired, I need to figure out dinner, spend time with my man, clean up from dinner, and get things situated for the next day. I don’t like mornings, but that has GOT to be when I do it. Then if I happen to have time in the evening too to get an additional one in, GREAT, but if not, at least I know I did my workout that day. I’m totally not a morning person, but let me tell you who IS a morning person.

This guy right here

Oh my, he was quite the chipper little bird during the black team’s workout. Between the earlier noises from Johnny and Bob’s singing or whatever, there was some real weirdness going on in this episode.

Antone is proving to be quite the cry baby. I am annoyed by him. He was an NFL lineman for goodness sakes, and it seems every workout they have, he’s crumpled on the floor crying. It’s one thing to get emotional about the progress. To be as big as they are, there’s baggage there, and it has to be dealt with so they can stop using food to cope with it. There’s baggage with being overweight. It’s emotional. Lots of people break down on that show. It’s not really that he broke down, it’s how he broke down. It just seemed over the top. DRAMATIC, and less authentic. That’s my .02 about the subject.

Then came the Blue team and my annoyance with Anna grew. She really seems like a sweet girl. But she can’t train others for CRAP! I would never be successful with her as my trainer. It’d be a waste of my money. But she did say something that was very true. She said they have a saying in her country, and it basically translates that you have to get your ass off the couch and do something. You can’t wish something into being, you have to make it happen.  And it’s true. I can talk about weightloss all I want. I can have all the right information. But knowing it doesn’t burn calories. Doing it burns calories. Eating right keeps me from having excess calories. Our minds have to be right, and we have to have the tools, but without action it’s all for naught.

And then I got to drool over Dolvett a little bit. Yummy.

Hello lover


One of the frustrations I have with the Biggest Loser is that their advertisements aren’t often the best choice of products. It could always be worse, but they seem to walk the line between totally healthy and doing just enough. Of course they have sponsors and all that. I get it. But their ad was for Yoplait. Yogurt is a great choice, but Yoplait is not. There are much better choices, greek yogurt, plain yogurt that you add your own flavorings to, yoplait is not ideal. It’s good enough, but it’s not great.

Dolvett spoke to Jessica. She talked about being in a 6 year relationship with somebody that was controlling and jealous. During their relationship she gained 135 pounds. She always felt like he forced food on her so that she would get fat and not leave him. I had a very short relationship with someone who I think would have become that. I’m grateful it didn’t last longer than it did. I don’t need any assistance in gaining weight. I do it well enough all on my own.

They did the normal, checking their health segment where the doctor tells them all just how sick they really are. Ramone, at 27 years old is the sickest person in the house. His “Real Age” is 49. He said he never really went to the doctor because he thought he was too young to have any real health issues. He was wrong. Blood Pressure is high, Good cholesterol is low, Bad cholesterol is high, Acid Reflux and Diabetes. I got to thinking about how a lot of us view ourselves that way. I did. I thought I was too young to have any real health issues. Then I realized I could have permanently screwed with my fertility, and now I’m feeling issues with my knees. I thought, “too young until it’s too late.”

That’s why we have to stop kids from forming bad habits.

The challenge they had this episode was a maze with a ball they had to guide through to the hole at the end. The black team won again, and won a 2 pound advantage. The red team won a 1 pound advantage. And the Blue team was just happy to finish it before the night ended. Poor blue team.

The weigh in was no surprise to me.  Black team won the weigh in again. Blue team lost the weigh in again. Johnny actually gained 2 pounds. So it was no surprise when the team voted him off.

The update on Johnny was positive. He was down to 269, having lost a total of 59 pounds since coming on the ranch. I didn’t know if I thought he’d do well at home, but for his age and his easy to give up attitude on the ranch, he did really well at home.  It can be done. At any age, as busy as you might be, it can be done.


Written by No More Tomorrows

September 28, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Posted in Health, Reviews, Weight Loss


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September 15th Weigh In



-25 lost to date

Dance Baby, Dance!!

Hello little blog of mine, I didn’t forget you. You aren’t abandoned. I was sick last week, and down, and busy, and don’t have internet at my house and try not to be on my phone when I’m home so that I can show my Man that he’s important to me and give him my attention.

I have a lot of excuses. Some legitimate, but also, I slacked. I just was really in a funk and couldn’t get myself to concentrate long enough to write anything. I hope you’re all still around. I enjoy talking to you, even if it often feels like a one-sided conversation. That’s not a cry for comments (okay maybe a little) but really, I do enjoy blogging and getting my words out there. I have a desire to matter, to leave something behind, to pass on knowledge, to encourage others the way I have been encouraged. I’m a big believer in paying it forward. I think our world would be so much better if everyone felt the same way.

Speaking of leaving something behind, I was listening to Beyonce on Pandora this morning and her song “I Was Here” came on. I thought of me, and the rest of the blog world. Isn’t that at least one reason we do it? To leave something behind? Because we’re worried about being forgotten when our time on this earth ends? So we leave behind something for our great grand children to know us by (Will they have internet then?).

I feel like I’m at a crossroads right now in my life. They happen. It’s the point in which you grow, if you make the right choices. Truly though I don’t know if there are as many “wrong” choices as we tend to think. People hesitate to make a choice a lot of the time because they’re afraid they’ll make the wrong one. The wrong choice is just not making a choice at all. Don’t be stagnant, MOVE FORWARD. If the choice you made wasn’t the best one, then make a different one when things don’t work out. There’s not a magic point in our lives when we choose the “right ” thing and then life begins. Life is happening NOW, so grab it by the balls and go.

Just sayin’

I struggle with consistency, with finishing things. Maybe I’m lazy, maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s doubt. I don’t really know. But I give up easily. It is time to focus my energy on being consistent, on sticking with something no matter how difficult it gets, until I’ve accomplished it. Relationships, running, weight loss, plant based eating, self employment, etc.

A fabulous life is mine for the taking. Yours too. And we have nobody but ourselves to blame if we lose out on something because we didn’t keep swimming.

Keep swimming.

Written by No More Tomorrows

September 20, 2011 at 9:45 am

Up and Running

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I’ve entered a lot of giveaways in my life. I had only won 1 that I can remember.

But NOW…

I received an email on Sunday from Jen at Prior Fat Girl telling me I won!!!

What did I win?

Go here to read about the giveaway and the prize.

I am so excited. It’s extra motivation to get my run on. There are lots of people who entered the giveaway, lots of people could have won it, but they didn’t. I did. And I’m not going to throw this prize away when someone else might have put it to better use. I am going to use the hell out of the prize. Each day there’s a new blog entry for us to read. We can participate on the message board. Then next Monday the running begins.

I have nothing but good things to say about Couch to 5K. It’s a great program. But this one is all women, starting and ending at the same time, with a specific thought pattern to process through each day. It’s like we’re doing it side by side even though we’re all over the world. I’m pumped. I can see myself registering and purchasing the 10K program when I’m ready for that step.

I highly suggest looking into the program. If you’d like to start it for this round I think you still can, we haven’t started the running yet, we’re just doing the mental prep. If you can’t do it now, please keep it in mind for the next time it rolls around. I am super excited about this. I will keep everyone updated and let you know how it turns out. Expect a full review.

Written by No More Tomorrows

September 7, 2011 at 9:40 am

Posted in Health, NoMoreTomorrows


with 4 comments

I make plans and then I lose focus. It happens a lot. This is my time to pull it back together and keep going, get out of this funk and move forward. I’m not restarting, I’m just continuing what was stalled. I started out the journey to health really strong, then life happened and I got distracted. I set my sights on building a business of my own to not have a boss someday soon, and got distracted from that also. Couch to 5K began, and stalled.

So this is me taking a moment to regroup.

I haven’t been weighing in mostly because I knew there’d either be no loss or a gain and I just didn’t want to face it. I fell off REAL bad for awhile, and then lately it’s been more of an eating-great-but-not-working-out type of a fall off. When I began this journey, I knew it wouldn’t be smooth sailing, but I also knew this was going to be the last time I said I was getting healthy. I knew this time was going to get it done. I just knew it. So, as frustrated as I am that I haven’t stuck with things as well as I’d like to have, I also know it’s just a part of the journey. I know I am learning a lot, I’m living life, and I’m making the right changes. But it’s time to measure things again. However, I’m not going to do weekly weigh ins. Instead, I’m doing it the way Ben’s doing it. Weigh-ins will be the 1st and the 15th of each month. The number on the scale matters to me, but it’s not the more important focus of my life. So I’m giving it the right place in my life, twice a month. With that I will also be using other things to tell me how my progress is going, measurements, clothing sizes, run times, distances, etc. The number isn’t all that matters.

Call this section “Everything I won’t be eating.”

People talk a lot about not depriving yourself. I don’t like to look at it that way. There are certain things I just don’t need to be putting in my body. Ever. I don’t think that’s deprivation, I think that’s just seeing food for it’s true purpose. I don’t want to see food so much as pleasure as I do as fuel. I want to heal my relationship with food, and only eat what I need.

Part of my desire to change my food is also to combat the PCOS (warning: discusses things of a feminine health nature. If you are squeemish about those things, don’t click the link) I was diagnosed with 8 years ago. I decided to take charge of it and control it. I haven’t been medicated for about 6 years and despite that I was still able to get pregnant and carry to term. The stillbirth of my son doesn’t seem to be because of my PCOS, at least according to my doctors. But lately, things have been looking kind of sketchy in the area of my feminine and reproductive health. (such as having a 70 day cycle instead of the “normal” 28)

More than anything in the world: I WANT BABIES.

So I am taking control of it. I have read a crap ton of information about treating my PCOS naturally. I fully believe that once I am healthy my body will give me healthy babies. Basically the information I’m finding is saying to reduce animal products, eat protein, good fats, low GI foods, Cut out caffeine and Alcohol and avoid white food. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’ve made big steps towards a veg lifestyle and I can say with full confidence that one day very soon I will not be a meat eater. I’ve also found some information to recommend the herbs and nutrients that will control my effed up hormones, man-hair, mood swings, effed up cycles, insulin resistance, weight, and acne (all things attributed to PCOS) I also hear good things about a gluten free diet in treating PCOS, so I’m going to look into it. Basically I have been looking at, how can I cut out all of this stuff and still eat a healthy, well-balanced diet. The answer I’m finding is, pretty darn easily, actually.

Many plans regarding running. First step, get back to Couch to 5K training. That will commence immediately. Basically my only option is to do mornings. So I will be making sure I start getting up early and getting the wogging in. Once the Colorado cold sets in I may be looking for an indoor track or gym, or I may just be sucking it up and dealing with the cold. Especially if I’m going to be taking part in races during the winter. Which brings me to my plans.

I did my first unofficial 5K back in July. Now it’s time to get official. November 13, 2008 was the day I buried my son. I think it seems fitting to run a race for babies that day. I get paid soon and I will be registering for that race. Once that is done there’s no turning back. I either run it or I wasted my money. And I’m cheap, so I don’t like wasting money.

Then, you know… next year is 2012, and there’s 12 months in the year, and I figure, why not also do 12 races?


Yeah, I will begin looking for races once they’re posted and will be doing a 5K once a month in 2012. 12 5K’s in 12 months. Right now that seems crazy, but to runners who do long distances it’s nothing. It’s not like it’s 52 marathons in 52 weeks or anything crazy like that. Who does that?!

Speaking of which…. (omg I must be frickin crazy)

Denver hasn’t been announced yet. Denver may not be a stop on their tour but I’m assuming and hoping it will be since we were so fabulous this year. There is a marathon in October in Denver. They do a marathon and give you the option for a half. I’m not sure the timing. I’ve looked into the training programs for a 5k, 10k, half, and full marathon and if I do them consecutively with a week break in between, it takes me out to June. Basically…

I have my eyes set on a marathon for 2012.

So, there are the goals and plans I have set in place. I fully believe I can achieve them. I just have to get out of my own way.

That’s the first step.

Written by No More Tomorrows

August 25, 2011 at 2:58 pm

An Open Letter to My Body:

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We need to talk.

First, let me be the one to say I’m sorry. Although it’s never easy, I do recognize when I’ve been wrong, and I will always take responsibility for it. I haven’t treated you very kindly. I’ve filled you with lots of chemicals and crap that I called food. I know it hurt you. I never consulted you to ask you what you wanted. I just loaded you up with the garbage I wanted. I didn’t think about it. I didn’t consider you. Most of my decisions were mindless, quick, and convenient. I was only thinking of the high of instant gratification. For the many years of abuse I have subjected you to, I am truly sorry.

Now, about you.

I know that I have not been nice to you, so perhaps the way you act is revenge. I get it. But seriously. Please stop.

The Back Pain.

I know. Breasts, Obesity, and Epidurals. They are a lethal mix for you my dear back. The epidural I can’t do anything about, it already happened. But I promise never again. The obesity, I’m getting it in check. It will be gone. Just give me a year. The breasts, well, those I hope to have go away with the obesity, but if not, I will consider the knife, after many consultations.

The Girly Issues.

Between the low thyroid (which isn’t a girly issue but can contribute to girly issues) and the PCOS, you make me very frustrated. I can’t regulate temperatures very well, the hair, the irregular times of the month, the mood swings, and the constant fear of infertility and cancer in my girly bits combine to put me on the edge. Again, the obesity is partly to blame, and I’m handling it, but if you could do me a favor and heal yourself, I’d really appreciate it.

The Ultimate Letdown.

Now, the biggest issue. I trusted you. You’re female. You’re supposed to have babies, without struggle, without failing. It’s what you were designed to do. And you let me down. Major. I’ve been angry at you for awhile, and maybe that’s why I continue to abuse you, because I’m trying to pay you back. But that isn’t helping either of us. I continue to abuse you, and you continue to break down. I can’t fight you anymore. I’m letting go of being angry with you, and I’m going to do my part to treat you better, if you could just return the favor and start operating like a normal, healthy female body should. I’d like to stop worrying about my health. Get yourself prepared for babies, because someday again I’ll be expecting them.

I’ll do my part. But you have to do yours too.

Written by No More Tomorrows

August 3, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Posted in Fear, Health, Weight Loss

Too Extreme?

with 7 comments

A thing moderately good is not so good as it ought to be.

Moderation in temper is always a virtue;

but moderation in principle is always a vice.

 Thomas Paine

Complete abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.

Saint Augustine


I use to preach it all the time. Plenty of people do. I hear a lot about moderation ever since embarking on my weightloss journey.

               Treat yourself once in awhile.                                

                                                                   Don’t go all or nothing.                          

                                                                                                                     Do a little at a time. 

I do agree with a little at a time. Changing your life by changing EVERYTHING at once is overwhelming, and not lasting.

However I’ve began thinking a lot about moderation lately. I’ve started to change my mindset about a lot of things, not just in the realm of food and weight but in everything. And some of those changes has me left wondering,  Is it too extreme? Should I be more flexible? Less rigid and opinionated?

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m okay with NOT going the route of moderation in some things.  As I am going to undoubtedly being posting more and more things both here and on Facebook  that might have people wondering who I am and whether I should be so far on one side or the other of things, I decided to put this disclaimer up with a little bit of explanation.

First, the reason I have posted and will post in the future, is to generate discussion, to make you think, and to get us all being more mindful. Today I posted an article about McDonalds changing their happy meals. This is what I hope that article does, I hope that it makes parents think about what they’re feeding their children. I hope it makes people weigh their options. I hope it makes someone be mindful about their choices. I am not trying to push my own opinion on someone else. I believe there’s too many people pushing ideas on others, and that is what I’d like to fight AGAINST.  My opinion is that nothing McDonalds serves is of any value to anybody. There’s nothing on their menu that is at all healthy. Buying McDonalds is spending money to load your body with unnatural chemicals. Some of that belief is fact (what’s in the food), some of it is opinion (it shouldn’t be consumed by anyone). I just want to pass on education to people. I want us to open our eyes to things and not just accept what we’re given, not just in the realm of food, but in everything.

Second, my choices are not about fads. I’m not going to become a vegetarian because it’s the thing to do right now. I’m going to become a vegetarian because I don’t believe that any of us need meat, I don’t like how the majority of the animals are treated, I don’t want to be consuming all the hormones that most animals are injected with, and because I have noticed in my own body I feel better when I don’t eat meat. For some, being mindful about meat means only buying local, from farmers who haven’t injected their animals with growth hormones and have treated their animals ethically. I fully support that decision. I’m not asking everyone to be a vegetarian. I AM asking everyone to be mindful.

Finally, I welcome people to comment, to discuss things, to disagree with me. What I won’t welcome is rudeness and hostility towards others’ opinions. (I’ve not had that here yet, I’m just putting the warning out there) Comment, Message me, write your own post to disagree with what I said (and send your readers to my page, I welcome the traffic 😉 )

So, what are the things I’ve come to view in an “extreme” way?

*There will be a day when I don’t ever eat meat again, consume soda, high fructose corn syrup, ingredients that aren’t natural, processed foods of any kind, etc. They will not exist in my diet. Clean eating all the way.

*I have no interest in traditional, conventional medicine. I am searching for a naturopathic doctor, and would like to go that route and educate myself more about non-traditional forms of medicine and treatments. This also means the desire to, in the future, have a natural pregnancy, natural birth, hire a midwife, and have a VBAC, most likely at home.

*And once I have those children, I will either selectively, (or potentially, probably , not at all) immunize. I am completely and totally for exclusive breastfeeding, babywearing, and my children will most likely never go to public school.  And hopefully never eat mcdonalds.

                                                   And never date a republican.

                                                                                                  One can dream.  😉

I think there are some things in which an extreme mindset is bad. I think there are some things in which a mindset of moderation is not ideal.

I think it’s about balance. Ultimately is really is about being mindful, having the facts and making a decision. Not a decision based on emotion or gut-reaction, but upon careful consideration of what your decision means for you and for your family.

Participate in your life, in all of it. Don’t just sit and let it happen to you.  Don’t let anyone else control your life. You’re in charge.

Written by No More Tomorrows

July 28, 2011 at 4:36 pm