This is My Now

Wowsers. I cannot believe it’s been 2 weeks since I’ve written anything. I go to other pages and see they haven’t written in awhile and I get worried that they’ve slipped and aren’t doing well in their journey. However, if you follow my facebook “fan” page (weird to call it that) you’ll see that I’ve actually had a GREAT couple of weeks.

11/20 Weighin – down 4 pounds

11/27 Weighin – down 2 pounds

So, since I kicked things back into gear this month, I’ve seen results. And it feels amazing. So far on this journey I have lost 26 pounds, which puts my current weight at 294.  It still sucks to put that high of a number down, and to know it could be so much lower had I stuck to my hard work and not let myself backslide. But I made a decision when I started this journey that I’m not going back. Every pound that comes off my body will never be put back on. I’m not going back to what I used to be.

There was a time I packed my dreams away
Living in a shell, hiding from myself

There was a time when I was so afraid
I thought I’d reached the end, baby that was then
But I am made of more than my yesterdays

I got off work early and headed for a walk/run. I went to the track that’s a couple blocks from my house. I’ve been jogging the curves and walking the straights on the track, until I build up to be able to run entire laps. Half way through the workout I was almost in tears. Finishing up and walking back home, the tears were harder to ward off.

I had to decide, was I gonna to play it safe?
Or look somewhere deep inside, try to turn the tide
And find the strength to take that step of faith?

It’s not easy to push through exhaustion. It’s been my thing to give up on everything that is hard. It’s been the thing I do to take the easy way out. Making myself continue running when my lungs and legs are burning is uncomfortable. I don’t enjoy it. The other day I was holding plank (in yoga) and set my knees down when it started to hurt. I had to berate myself “Carrie, stop quitting!” And I got back up and held it the rest of the time, while I was shaking, and hurting, and struggling.

But I have a courage like never before, yeah
I’ve settled for less, but I’m ready for more
Ready for more!

This is my now and I am breathing in the moment
As I look around I can’t believe the love I see
My fear’s behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt
That was then, this is my now!

But as I was walking home from the track that day I had to face facts. This wouldn’t have been so difficult if I had started before now. I was overweight my whole life, but for about a third of it, I was the same weight plus or minus 10 pounds. It wasn’t until a year ago, at the weight I swore would be my heaviest, I put on an additional 40 pounds in less than 6 months. Call it stress, call it depression, call it whatever you want to call it, but if I had started then, I wouldn’t have had those extra 40 pounds to take off.

Now, instead of 140 pounds I wanted to lose, I have 180.  Now I have that much harder to work, when it could have been just a little bit easier before to start and get it done. I never would have had to know what it was like to see 300 on the scale. Do you know what it’s like? It’s hell. That’s what it is. It’s facing the fact that you’ve completely lost control.

So this is it for me. I refuse to look back a year from now, 50 pounds heavier, and wish I had started now.  And I’m asking you to do the same. Don’t give yourself a holiday pass. Don’t wait for new years. Don’t wait for the money to get a gym membership, or the doctor to call you back about surgery, or your chance at the Biggest Loser, etc. Start now. Whatever it is.

This is my now, and I’m not looking back. And I’m asking you to join me.

*Lyrics for This is My Now, performed by Jordin Sparks

 

Is “fat” a bad word? My response

Yesterday there was this.

I shared the post on my facebook and I responded with:

Since when does obesity take away someone’s humanity? Are we not still people who matter in this world? Fat people make him money everyday. If all he wants in his facilities are fit people maintaining their fitness, than he’s doing a good job at guaranteeing that’s what it will be.

And today came this.

I have tried about a dozen times to post my response but it keeps telling me there’s invalid information. I am tired of trying so I’m posting my response here and will drive the traffic to me instead. 😉

I am not offended at the word fat. And to reduce the outrage to being simply about a word is to entirely miss the point of why a community is angry.

 Essentially, the way in which it’s written says this, “Society doesn’t like fat people, and you’re not going to get ahead while you’re fat, so get thin so you can be accepted.”

 Is that the reality? Yes, it is. Should it be? No, it shouldn’t. It is not up to me to lose weight so that I can be accepted by society. It is up to society to stop being ignorant and judgmental and realize I don’t care who accepts me, because I accept me. I have never lived with the idea that I couldn’t achieve something because I am fat. And I have been fat my entire life. I see the looks. I hear the name calling. I was 136 pounds when I was 9 years old. I broke 200 in middle school, and 300 since I turned 25. I know what it is to be fat. That’s all I have ever known. But I never let it stop me. I played sports. I went for jobs I wanted, and was hired to every single job I interviewed for. I have dated men that would make other women drool in jealousy.

 If name calling and bullying would make me lose weight I’d be thin by now. It doesn’t. It doesn’t work. And if it does, that’s not right. Why is okay to shame somebody into a socially acceptable size? It’s not. I started my journey to health because I made a decision that I wanted to live, and I wanted to have healthy babies and be around to see them have babies. I did it for me. Screw society and it’s ignorance.

 If McDonalds was to say that people who eat fast food are losers, I imagine they’d lose business. It’d be a bad move by them to do that. But essentially this is what the book has done. Hey, we’re going to tell fat people they’re not good enough to make it in life and hope they come flocking to our doors to give us business. And to even consider the notion that my mother should have been put in jail because I was an obese child is ridiculous, and far more offensive to me than telling me I’m fat.

So what about you? Join the conversation, on his blog if you can post it, or leave a comment here. Are you offended by the word fat? Do you take issue with the way any of it is worded? 

Pushing through

In the interest of not letting this time of year get me in a hole, I decided what better way to fight it than to get back at working out.  I do have a weigh in tomorrow afterall. Last weighin 10/15/2011 was 295 pounds.

So Saturday I did hip hop, yoga and 30/40/50.

Sunday I did kickboxing, yoga and 30/40/50.

And today, so far, I walked 1.5 miles during lunch.  Oh, and ran to the bus stop because I was late, so that was about 30 seconds of running. And I didn’t feel like I would die. Progress.

30/40/50 is 30 pushups, 40 squats, and 50 crunches.

This time of year is hard for me. Today kind of starts it all.

October 31, 2008 was my last doctor’s appointment with my son that I got to hear his heartbeat.

November 1 was my due date.

November 5 was when I found out he had passed away in utero.

November 7 was when he was born.

November 13 was when I said goodbye.

The first year, in 2009 from about the beginning of October to the new year I was in a pretty deep depression. 2010 was better. I think it will continue to be better. It’s not that the pain is lessened. It’s just that I’ve learned to cope better. I’ll always miss him. I’d have a three year old toddling around. Life would be very different. And he’ll never get to have the milestones I see all my friends’ children have. He’s never coming back. And that’s a pain so deep, I just can’t describe it.

It’s time for me to be healthy though. It’s time to stop punishing myself for failing him.

I’m pushing on through. Because life is kind of beautiful. And I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines watching it go by.

 

You with the sad eyes…

I’ve watched you on the train before. You always sit in the same seat. Head down, hair falling in front of your face. Today I really looked at you. I hope you didn’t catch me, because I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable that I was staring. I know what it’s like to be stared at, and how it makes you feel, and I don’t want to add to that. Your sweater shawl was cute. It looked warm. It wasn’t that cold out yet this morning, but you still tugged at it and wrapped it around you tightly. I understand. I know what you were trying to hide. Maybe you feel like you can wrap up inside yourself and be smaller. I’ve been there. You look out the window, and you look down, but you don’t really take in the world. Your eyes show your unhappiness. I saw your eyes today, usually you wear glasses. Me too. Of course it’s mostly for the sun, but it’s also to hide, pretend that nobody sees me, that I can slip by unaware, unnoticed, be small, be hidden, be missed. My biggest fear in life is to not matter, not be seen, and yet ironically being fat in public makes me shrink into myself and not want to be seen.

I want to say something to you, tell you I understand. I want to give you my phone number and ask you to work out with me, motivate me, let me motivate you. But I’m too scared. I don’t know how you’ll take it. I don’t want to offend you, and I’m too insecure to approach people I don’t know, even people who look like me.  See, I don’t know if you can see me from where you are, but I’m fat too. And unhappy. And uncomfortable. It’s getting cold, and I hate cold, because as big and bulky as I already am, I don’t like adding a bulky coat to the equation. Sometimes it’s easier to be cold than to be uncomfortable.

But I do want  you to know it’s possible to change your life. I haven’t gotten there yet, but I’ve had a taste of it. I’m struggling, and sometimes the more I struggle the more hopeless I feel. But sometimes the struggle makes me feel strong, like I really can defeat this weight. I hope you know it’s possible. You look slightly younger than me. You could spend the majority of your 20’s healthy and happy instead of fat like I did.

Maybe I’ll say hello some day. Or maybe I was supposed to really see you today so that it would spark something in me to get back to work on myself, so that someday I can be an example to people like us, and I can have the confidence to walk up to people and ask them to let me help them change their lives.

I don’t know you, but I want better for you, and I want better for me too.

We deserve it.

 

 

Biggest Loser Week in Review: Episode 3

I finally watched this week’s episode of the Biggest Loser. I don’t know if you watch the show and have watched previous seasons, but as someone who started in season 3 and has watched everything since, I have to say, I’m starting to lose the love. Am I the only one?

I don’t know if it’s the drama, or Jillian not being there, or if the behind the scenes people have changed, but it’s not the same show I’ve watched before. Usually I find myself connecting to the contestants and picking out a few favorites in the first episode or two. This season I really can’t think of even one I’m all that drawn to. I’m starting to think I’m only watching because of:

Don't you just want to lick his abs? Oh, is that just me?

Him.

The show still inspires me a little, and it still makes me think about myself and my journey. But it’s not really teaching me anything new and I don’t have a contestant I’ve invested my interest in to see their journey.  I’m feeling disappointed.

It was NFL week on the Biggest Loser this week, so at their first challenge and at their last chance workout, there were NFL players present. Of course this made Antone talk again of his NFL days and about how badly he’s let himself go. All of his tears seem so fake. And I’m left feeling like I want to tell him to man the eff up and stop crying. It’s not that I am of the ridiculous belief that “real men don’t cry” but I am of the belief that “real men don’t cry for dramatics”, which is all I’m feeling from him, whiny dramatic fake tears.

Courtney of the black team won the individual challenge, which amounted to her getting $5,000, a nice prize.

In the team challenge they were to work out for 4 quarters. 15 minutes of a workout, followed by a 10 minute rest, for 4 repetitions. Their challenge was who could burn the most average calories as a team during those 4 quarters. As usual, black team won, followed by red, and blue team came up last. The black team won a spa day, which they happened to turn down in the interest of keeping their minds focused on their weightloss and not getting distracted.

I literally laughed out loud during “halftime” when Ramone, during his interview, said “This is where we bring the pain. This is where we win.” More dramatics. I’m not watching the show for fake inspiration and motivation. If you’re naturally motivating and entertaining then awesome. But I don’t need something forced. Everything feels forced. Fake.

I was pretty intrigued by the calories burnt though. Even the blue team coming in last burned 764 calories. Burning 764 calories a day for 5 days a week would get you to 3500 calories which is a pound. An hour a day is really beneficial when it comes to weightloss. It’s not the only thing, but it would be a big contribution. Everybody has an hour in their day they could do it. I really believe that.

During the challenge Jessica mostly did spinning. That mixed with whatever else she did during the week helped her lose 11 pounds at the weigh in! ELEVEN! I have a feeling that spinning really is a good workout. My girly bits are screaming at me for even considering a spinning class, but I know it’s a good idea. I have it on my radar. Girly bits be damned.

Jennifer, who was instructed to not do any weight bearing exercises managed to drop 16 pounds in a week. Okay, so what’s our excuses? She can’t walk, run, do jumping jacks, etc but she lost 16 pounds with her workout variations. That’s pretty phenomenal.

Bonnie made me cry when she was on the scale. After a couple weeks of real struggles on the scale, she pulled out a 7 pound weightloss. She looked right at the camera and said she was 63 years old and still did it, even though it was a slow weightloss, “So get off the couch and start doing something, no matter how old you are.”  It’s true. Excuses aren’t getting us anywhere. Nobody is too old to do it, and doing it will only extend your life.

The red team lost the weigh in. And this is where I pretty much decided that it’s the red team that is the source of most of the dramatics. Pretty much all the teams have always had tears when it comes to voting someone off. You’re changing your life right beside people. You’re going to bond, and it’s going to be hard to send someone home. I get that. But red team took it to ridiculous heights

It was kinda like…

'Nuff Said

They ended up sending Patrick home by a vote of 3-2. In the update I was really happy for Patrick. He started at the ranch at 387 pounds, and in the update he was down to 296. I think when he comes back for the marathon he’ll be one of the people to beat.

By the way, the previews from next week show Dolvett riled up about losing. He’s even sexier when he’s angry.

Stay tuned.

Drama, Weirdness and Temptations, OH MY!

1st Episode recap can be found here.

 

Is it just me or does this season of The Biggest Loser seem to have more dramatics?

Episode 2 of this season’s Biggest Loser opens with Alison talking to the teams about the stereotypes of different age groups. She then asks for a volunteer from each team and she takes them into a room. In this room they find donuts. Obviously, this is a temptation. There are dividers up between each person so that you can’t see what they’re doing. She then tells them that this week the gym will only be open 3 times, from 5-7 am, 12-2 pm, and 9-11 pm, and that each team may only work out in the gym once per day, for 2 hours each. She explains that the donuts are each 35 calories (small donuts by the way, like in the little packages) and that to win power over deciding who would get each slot, their team must consume the most calories.

TIMEOUT!

35 CALORIES??!! For ONE of those? Are you satisfied with just one of those small donuts. I know I’m not. There are times I eat a package of 6 and still want something else. It’s not nurturing food. It’s empty calories. So I got to thinking about what else could be eaten instead and be a better choice.  The answer is, quite a lot. About a 1/2 cup to a cup of most fruits and vegetables can be eaten and only be around 35 calories. The thing I think about Temptations on the Biggest Loser is always this: Why waste calories?

I wish I could get my head wrapped around that thought in my everyday life. But it’s not yet. I waste a lot of calories.

Back to the show…

Mike on the Blue team is the first to eat a donut. He eats a few while the red team nor the black team eats any. Then they pan through the various other team members as each get their turns and nobody eats.  Some team members try to trick others into believing they’re eating, when they’re really not. Johnny was by far the most weird and disturbing with his sex-like noises. And then they get to the last round, and John from the black team states that he absolutely wants to be able to choose which time they work out. He sets to work, and INHALES those donuts. It’s quite disgusting to watch. But I wondered how many times I’ve looked that desperate and out of control. It was hard to watch.

Alison calls them all back in, and mentions that two teams ate. She then says Mike on the blue team ate 11 donuts, for 385 calories. To which he responded “That’s my lunch”. Why yes, that is a whole meal of calories, and it was wasted on nothing good. Then she says he wasn’t the winner, that ONE team member at 37 donuts, for a total of 1295 calories.  As soon as she announced it I swear I saw tears hit John’s eyes. He was out of control. He didn’t even think about what he ate, he just ate it. And all I saw on his face was regret. I nearly cried for him. How many times after a binge do I just wish I could take it back, drink enough water to flush it away, or get to the bathroom and get it out of my system. It was devastating to see him that out of control, because I understood.

Now on to the workouts.

The Black team chose the 5-7 am slot. They all complained about having to get up, but then one person said, if it has to be 5-7 am then it has to be 5-7 am, sometimes that’s all you have. It’s true. That really is the ideal time for me to get up and do it. After work I’m tired, I need to figure out dinner, spend time with my man, clean up from dinner, and get things situated for the next day. I don’t like mornings, but that has GOT to be when I do it. Then if I happen to have time in the evening too to get an additional one in, GREAT, but if not, at least I know I did my workout that day. I’m totally not a morning person, but let me tell you who IS a morning person.

This guy right here

Oh my, he was quite the chipper little bird during the black team’s workout. Between the earlier noises from Johnny and Bob’s singing or whatever, there was some real weirdness going on in this episode.

Antone is proving to be quite the cry baby. I am annoyed by him. He was an NFL lineman for goodness sakes, and it seems every workout they have, he’s crumpled on the floor crying. It’s one thing to get emotional about the progress. To be as big as they are, there’s baggage there, and it has to be dealt with so they can stop using food to cope with it. There’s baggage with being overweight. It’s emotional. Lots of people break down on that show. It’s not really that he broke down, it’s how he broke down. It just seemed over the top. DRAMATIC, and less authentic. That’s my .02 about the subject.

Then came the Blue team and my annoyance with Anna grew. She really seems like a sweet girl. But she can’t train others for CRAP! I would never be successful with her as my trainer. It’d be a waste of my money. But she did say something that was very true. She said they have a saying in her country, and it basically translates that you have to get your ass off the couch and do something. You can’t wish something into being, you have to make it happen.  And it’s true. I can talk about weightloss all I want. I can have all the right information. But knowing it doesn’t burn calories. Doing it burns calories. Eating right keeps me from having excess calories. Our minds have to be right, and we have to have the tools, but without action it’s all for naught.

And then I got to drool over Dolvett a little bit. Yummy.

Hello lover

 

One of the frustrations I have with the Biggest Loser is that their advertisements aren’t often the best choice of products. It could always be worse, but they seem to walk the line between totally healthy and doing just enough. Of course they have sponsors and all that. I get it. But their ad was for Yoplait. Yogurt is a great choice, but Yoplait is not. There are much better choices, greek yogurt, plain yogurt that you add your own flavorings to, yoplait is not ideal. It’s good enough, but it’s not great.

Dolvett spoke to Jessica. She talked about being in a 6 year relationship with somebody that was controlling and jealous. During their relationship she gained 135 pounds. She always felt like he forced food on her so that she would get fat and not leave him. I had a very short relationship with someone who I think would have become that. I’m grateful it didn’t last longer than it did. I don’t need any assistance in gaining weight. I do it well enough all on my own.

They did the normal, checking their health segment where the doctor tells them all just how sick they really are. Ramone, at 27 years old is the sickest person in the house. His “Real Age” is 49. He said he never really went to the doctor because he thought he was too young to have any real health issues. He was wrong. Blood Pressure is high, Good cholesterol is low, Bad cholesterol is high, Acid Reflux and Diabetes. I got to thinking about how a lot of us view ourselves that way. I did. I thought I was too young to have any real health issues. Then I realized I could have permanently screwed with my fertility, and now I’m feeling issues with my knees. I thought, “too young until it’s too late.”

That’s why we have to stop kids from forming bad habits.

The challenge they had this episode was a maze with a ball they had to guide through to the hole at the end. The black team won again, and won a 2 pound advantage. The red team won a 1 pound advantage. And the Blue team was just happy to finish it before the night ended. Poor blue team.

The weigh in was no surprise to me.  Black team won the weigh in again. Blue team lost the weigh in again. Johnny actually gained 2 pounds. So it was no surprise when the team voted him off.

The update on Johnny was positive. He was down to 269, having lost a total of 59 pounds since coming on the ranch. I didn’t know if I thought he’d do well at home, but for his age and his easy to give up attitude on the ranch, he did really well at home.  It can be done. At any age, as busy as you might be, it can be done.

 

“My” season of the Biggest Loser week 1

Season Premiere Week!! Welcome Back!!

Glee!

Windell!! on Body of Proof. I went to college with Windell. He’s why I watch.

Grey’s Anatomy (TONIGHT TONIGHT TONIGHT!!!)

Private Practice (Premieres next week)

Supernatural (Premiered last week)

Sister Wives

And last but not least…

THE BIGGEST LOSER!!

This is actually the season I auditioned for. It’s interesting watching it now, because had I made it, I’d actually be among these people, minus one, because I’d be in their place.

This season is about age. Does it matter in weightloss? That’s supposed to be what the show proves, that age is nothing but a number. I think past seasons have proven that, since not all the winners have been 20 somethings, and even a couple of the older contestants ended up winning the at home prize, which meant not only did they show up the youngsters, but they also did it while being at home, doing it on their own for most of the journey. But since the Biggest Loser is always looking for an angle, that’s the theme this year.

I have been addicted to this show since Season 3, and I know it’s reality tv, I know it isn’t 100% real, and I know that a 20 pound loss in a week (or a biggest loser week) isn’t realistic. All the negatives aside, I enjoy this show. So I set the DVR for Tuesday night and had the chance to watch it last night.  Here’s a recap…

    *SPOILERS*SPOILERS*SPOILERS*SPOILERS*SPOILERS*SPOILERS*SPOILERS*SPOILERS*SPOILERS*

The show starts with dropping off the new contestants in the desert. Alison greets them and in flies the trainers.

Bob Harper, Anna Kournikova, Dolvett Quince

Bob is the seasoned one. I like him as a trainer and he knows how to get results. Anna was announced at last season’s finale and everyone threw a fit, including me, but more on her later. Then there’s Dolvett.   Mmmmm Dolvett. You mean I missed out on the chance to have HIM as a trainer??!! That’s the moment I got really angry that I didn’t make the show. I mean, LOOK AT HIM!  Can’t you just picture it? I win the 250,000, weighing a sexy 140, confetti rains down on my head, and he runs up and proposes. It’s a beautiful scene playing in my head. Truly.

Wait… what was I saying?

Oh yes, the show.

So the trainers are introduced and then whisked back away, a mile to be exact, to the finish line of the challenge they’re about to compete in. The contestants are told that this season is the season about age and divides them into their teams, the young, the middle, and the oldest. Then Alison tells them they get to pick their trainer, but to do so they must race to them. The middles finish first, picking Bob. The youngest are next, picking Dolvett (SEE, he would have even been my trainer!!), and the oldest getting Anna. I felt bad for them right then and there. The oldest need a professional trainer, not the newbie with no training experience. I had a feeling they’d not do well.

When the race was over, Alison announced that this is where their journey began, and it would also be where it ended, because at the end of the season, every one of them will get to come back and run a marathon, and the winner of that marathon will go on to be a finalist. That’s right! Even if you get sent home week 1, you still get to come back and compete to be a finalist.

They get to the ranch and get into their first workout. There’s all the drama that the first workout always has, everybody wants to quit. People cry. Trainers yell. Most contestants end up crumpled on the floor asking to stop.

Anna Anna Anna…  Why?

Now, it’s easy to see in the show that Anna is a sweet girl, and probably wants to help out here team to actually make it. But this is where we see, just because you’re an athlete yourself, doesn’t mean you’re cut out to train others and whip them into shape. She didn’t look effective. She looked like she was taking it easy on them. This is the Biggest Loser, not Curves. That means you kick their ass no matter what age they are.

One of the contestants on the oldest team, Becky learns that her father has just passed away. She did what we all need to do when we’re upset or stressed, she went to work out. That is a lesson I need to learn immediately. Stress doesn’t equal chocolate. Stress equals, go work your ass off and sweat a bit.

Becky went home for her dad’s funeral, then everybody had their last chance workout, and then came the scale. The oldest team did about as well as I assumed they would. They lost a total of 49 pounds between the 5 of them, with Johnny losing the most at -17 and Bonnie losing the least at -4.

Bob’s middle team weighs in next, blowing away the Blue team by losing a combined total of 126 pounds, with John losing 37, and the smallest being Sunny, still at an impressive -16 pounds.

Dolvett’s red team was last, and although they didn’t win the weigh in, they blew the Blue team away too with an 89 pound loss. Vinny was the biggest loser with -21 and Patrick was right behind him with -20.

They retreated back to the house so that the Blue team could meet and plead to stay. Johnny could not be sent home since he was the biggest loser. I wondered how the team would play it. Would they get rid of Bonnie since she lost the least? Becky since she showed she could be home and still lost 10 pounds? Would Mike do the respectful thing that a lot of men do to look after women and sacrifice himself to go home? Or would it be Debbie because, well, if we’re being honest here, in reality television, black contestants never seem to make it that far.

Yes I went there.

So, they’re discussing not wanting to go home, and Debbie starts to talk about having support at home, and being okay. I was thinking that was pretty nice of her. Then she tells Bonnie it’s annoying how much she cries.

…..

I have to say this. Dating outside of my race, and loving a black man, and by default loving his people, makes me very sensitive to how people of different races are portrayed or perceived by white people. I have a face palm moment every time things like this happen. All I could think watching this play out, was that I was sure that there were many people sitting at home, who never knew a black person before, sitting there in judgement that their stereotypical opinions had just been validated by Debbie (the black woman) picking on Bonnie (the white woman). It was frustrating.   Now, because my preconceived ideas about race have dissipated in my life from my experiences, I just saw it as a woman being catty and ridiculous to another woman about something petty. But I know what others might have seen. And I was annoyed.

Back to the recap…

They are at the elimination room, and it played out about how I expected it to.  By a vote of 3 to 2, Debbie was the first contestant eliminated from the Biggest Loser.  In the follow up, she did about as I had expected, because sometimes you can just tell if a person is going to make it on their own or not. Debbie weighed 239 when she walked on the ranch, and after a week, had gotten down 6 pounds. Since leaving the ranch, she’s lost another 13 pounds, which is pretty miniscule compared to what others often lose in that time frame. Good for her for losing, but I think a lot more would have been possible.

The show left me thinking about me. I tried to get on this season. A part of me was sad watching it, knowing I could have been there. I can do it on my own, and I’ve shown that with the 25 pounds I’ve lost so far. But it would have been nice to have that time away, to get it taken care of quicker with no distractions, and to have won 250,000 dollars (because I know I would have been the winner, I just do). But then it hit me. Drew. I have had the most amazing time getting to know him and being with him. And it wouldn’t have been possible if I hadn’t been here. I wouldn’t trade the time I’ve had with him for anything in the world. So thank you Biggest Loser casting for not choosing me, because I can’t imagine missing out on this time.

Stay tuned for next week and my review of the show.

Do you watch The Biggest Loser? What’s your favorite show on the fall lineup?

Consistency

September 15th Weigh In

295

-3 

-25 lost to date

Dance Baby, Dance!!

Hello little blog of mine, I didn’t forget you. You aren’t abandoned. I was sick last week, and down, and busy, and don’t have internet at my house and try not to be on my phone when I’m home so that I can show my Man that he’s important to me and give him my attention.

I have a lot of excuses. Some legitimate, but also, I slacked. I just was really in a funk and couldn’t get myself to concentrate long enough to write anything. I hope you’re all still around. I enjoy talking to you, even if it often feels like a one-sided conversation. That’s not a cry for comments (okay maybe a little) but really, I do enjoy blogging and getting my words out there. I have a desire to matter, to leave something behind, to pass on knowledge, to encourage others the way I have been encouraged. I’m a big believer in paying it forward. I think our world would be so much better if everyone felt the same way.

Speaking of leaving something behind, I was listening to Beyonce on Pandora this morning and her song “I Was Here” came on. I thought of me, and the rest of the blog world. Isn’t that at least one reason we do it? To leave something behind? Because we’re worried about being forgotten when our time on this earth ends? So we leave behind something for our great grand children to know us by (Will they have internet then?).

I feel like I’m at a crossroads right now in my life. They happen. It’s the point in which you grow, if you make the right choices. Truly though I don’t know if there are as many “wrong” choices as we tend to think. People hesitate to make a choice a lot of the time because they’re afraid they’ll make the wrong one. The wrong choice is just not making a choice at all. Don’t be stagnant, MOVE FORWARD. If the choice you made wasn’t the best one, then make a different one when things don’t work out. There’s not a magic point in our lives when we choose the “right ” thing and then life begins. Life is happening NOW, so grab it by the balls and go.

Just sayin’

I struggle with consistency, with finishing things. Maybe I’m lazy, maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s doubt. I don’t really know. But I give up easily. It is time to focus my energy on being consistent, on sticking with something no matter how difficult it gets, until I’ve accomplished it. Relationships, running, weight loss, plant based eating, self employment, etc.

A fabulous life is mine for the taking. Yours too. And we have nobody but ourselves to blame if we lose out on something because we didn’t keep swimming.

Keep swimming.

Refocus

I make plans and then I lose focus. It happens a lot. This is my time to pull it back together and keep going, get out of this funk and move forward. I’m not restarting, I’m just continuing what was stalled. I started out the journey to health really strong, then life happened and I got distracted. I set my sights on building a business of my own to not have a boss someday soon, and got distracted from that also. Couch to 5K began, and stalled.

So this is me taking a moment to regroup.

I haven’t been weighing in mostly because I knew there’d either be no loss or a gain and I just didn’t want to face it. I fell off REAL bad for awhile, and then lately it’s been more of an eating-great-but-not-working-out type of a fall off. When I began this journey, I knew it wouldn’t be smooth sailing, but I also knew this was going to be the last time I said I was getting healthy. I knew this time was going to get it done. I just knew it. So, as frustrated as I am that I haven’t stuck with things as well as I’d like to have, I also know it’s just a part of the journey. I know I am learning a lot, I’m living life, and I’m making the right changes. But it’s time to measure things again. However, I’m not going to do weekly weigh ins. Instead, I’m doing it the way Ben’s doing it. Weigh-ins will be the 1st and the 15th of each month. The number on the scale matters to me, but it’s not the more important focus of my life. So I’m giving it the right place in my life, twice a month. With that I will also be using other things to tell me how my progress is going, measurements, clothing sizes, run times, distances, etc. The number isn’t all that matters.

Call this section “Everything I won’t be eating.”

People talk a lot about not depriving yourself. I don’t like to look at it that way. There are certain things I just don’t need to be putting in my body. Ever. I don’t think that’s deprivation, I think that’s just seeing food for it’s true purpose. I don’t want to see food so much as pleasure as I do as fuel. I want to heal my relationship with food, and only eat what I need.

Part of my desire to change my food is also to combat the PCOS (warning: discusses things of a feminine health nature. If you are squeemish about those things, don’t click the link) I was diagnosed with 8 years ago. I decided to take charge of it and control it. I haven’t been medicated for about 6 years and despite that I was still able to get pregnant and carry to term. The stillbirth of my son doesn’t seem to be because of my PCOS, at least according to my doctors. But lately, things have been looking kind of sketchy in the area of my feminine and reproductive health. (such as having a 70 day cycle instead of the “normal” 28)

More than anything in the world: I WANT BABIES.

So I am taking control of it. I have read a crap ton of information about treating my PCOS naturally. I fully believe that once I am healthy my body will give me healthy babies. Basically the information I’m finding is saying to reduce animal products, eat protein, good fats, low GI foods, Cut out caffeine and Alcohol and avoid white food. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’ve made big steps towards a veg lifestyle and I can say with full confidence that one day very soon I will not be a meat eater. I’ve also found some information to recommend the herbs and nutrients that will control my effed up hormones, man-hair, mood swings, effed up cycles, insulin resistance, weight, and acne (all things attributed to PCOS) I also hear good things about a gluten free diet in treating PCOS, so I’m going to look into it. Basically I have been looking at, how can I cut out all of this stuff and still eat a healthy, well-balanced diet. The answer I’m finding is, pretty darn easily, actually.

Many plans regarding running. First step, get back to Couch to 5K training. That will commence immediately. Basically my only option is to do mornings. So I will be making sure I start getting up early and getting the wogging in. Once the Colorado cold sets in I may be looking for an indoor track or gym, or I may just be sucking it up and dealing with the cold. Especially if I’m going to be taking part in races during the winter. Which brings me to my plans.

I did my first unofficial 5K back in July. Now it’s time to get official. November 13, 2008 was the day I buried my son. I think it seems fitting to run a race for babies that day. I get paid soon and I will be registering for that race. Once that is done there’s no turning back. I either run it or I wasted my money. And I’m cheap, so I don’t like wasting money.

Then, you know… next year is 2012, and there’s 12 months in the year, and I figure, why not also do 12 races?

WHAT?!

Yeah, I will begin looking for races once they’re posted and will be doing a 5K once a month in 2012. 12 5K’s in 12 months. Right now that seems crazy, but to runners who do long distances it’s nothing. It’s not like it’s 52 marathons in 52 weeks or anything crazy like that. Who does that?!

Speaking of which…. (omg I must be frickin crazy)

Denver hasn’t been announced yet. Denver may not be a stop on their tour but I’m assuming and hoping it will be since we were so fabulous this year. There is a marathon in October in Denver. They do a marathon and give you the option for a half. I’m not sure the timing. I’ve looked into the training programs for a 5k, 10k, half, and full marathon and if I do them consecutively with a week break in between, it takes me out to June. Basically…

I have my eyes set on a marathon for 2012.

So, there are the goals and plans I have set in place. I fully believe I can achieve them. I just have to get out of my own way.

That’s the first step.

!!!!!!!! Moments

Remember that one time I got featured in a post by one of my top three favorite bloggers?

Yeah, that happened.

!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you who don’t blog, think of someone you look up to, adore, etc who really doesn’t know you, like a celebrity, author, etc. Then imagine watching an interview, reading their book or whatever and they say your name. Yeah, it’s like that.

The list at the right are all the blogs/sites that at one time or another have inspired me in something they’ve said, or provided a resource for me (couch to 5K), but of those, there are 3 that I follow religiously. Three of them that stick out to me, that I read all the time, that I have gone back and read nearly all of their old posts. I connect with reading them because they show me it’s possible to do what I want to do in the realm of weight loss. They also show me that once you get where you want to be, life doesn’t suddenly become perfect. Maintaining is hard too. Life happens and it’s easy to revert to the comfort food that made us be obese in the first place. They have humor, and cute significant others they show pictures of, and family and friends and they live life. And those of us who read along are thankful that they let us peak into their lives. And I have been blessed to have an exciting !!!!!!!! moment with all three.

Jen, at Prior Fat Girl, well that moment was the latest. Jen has worked through some pretty major stuff in her life. The sudden death of her mom, and most recently the tornado damage to her house are two things that would break some people. It’s not easy to be faced with things like that and still push through. If you haven’t checked out her blog I think you should, along with the other priorfatgirls and priorfatguy she hosts on her site. Then take a look at the community and join in. It’s better to do things together than do them alone. And finally, because she’s paying for some repairs to her house not covered by insurance, and every little bit helps, you should check out her store and make a purchase.

Jasmine, at Eat Move Write is someone I connected with because I see similarities in parts of our lives. Her interracial marriage and desire for brown babies. The fact that she’s living in the Pacific Northwest as I would also love to do. The personality she shows. I just adore her. Truly. And every time I see a comment from her on my blog, a reply on something I’ve said on her blog, or a comment on something I write on my Facebook Page, I have one of those !!!!! moments all over again. I know if you read her stuff you’ll adore her too. She’s too wonderful not to. And check out her store also.

Ben, decided to Do Life, started a blog, and it became a Movement. I found him via the Couch to 5K site where he was listed under Inspiration. I clicked on his blog, and I was hooked. Then I found out there was a tour approaching and so I started the Couch to 5K program, which didn’t last beyond week 1, but still determined to Do Life, I showed up when he was in Denver and had the privilege of meeting him. I did my first (unofficial) 5K and told him during next year’s tour I will be half of myself. I have a lot of work to do to stick with that statement, but because of all the people who share their lives with us, and show it’s possible, I know I can make it happen. Ben and his Pa have a really awesome 2012 in the works, and your support would really help, so check out the store and make a purchase. Then stay tuned for details about the tour and get out and Do Life with them.

Who are your top three favorite people/bloggers/etc? Have they ever responded to you? Have you ever met them? Was it a !!!!!!!!!! moment as I’ve talked about?